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Tulsi Gabbard Named Democratic Nominee After Discovery Of Obscure Rule That Grants Nomination To Whoever Wins 0.7% Of The Vote In Missouri

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Illustration for article titled Tulsi Gabbard Named Democratic Nominee After Discovery Of Obscure Rule That Grants Nomination To Whoever Wins 0.7% Of The Vote In Missouri

WASHINGTON—Beating out her rivals with the help of a little-known technicality, Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI) was named the Democratic Party’s nominee for president Wednesday after the discovery of an obscure rule that grants the nomination to whoever wins 0.7% of the vote in Missouri. “We weren’t expecting this, but after double-checking the party’s rules, it appears we are obliged to select Tulsi Gabbard as our candidate in 2020,” said Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez, shrugging his shoulders and pointing to a section of a crumbling, yellowed document that contains the esoteric bylaw. “I know a lot of Democrats were probably wondering why she was still in the race. But last night, while cross-referencing an old rule book in preparation for the upcoming debate, we came across this forgotten section of our charter, and, well, it all checks out. I admit it was a pretty cunning strategy on her part. With 100% of precincts now reporting, it appears the congresswoman received exactly 0.7% of votes in the Missouri primary yesterday. And so the time has come for us to put aside our differences and unite behind the next president of the United States, Tulsi Gabbard.” Perez went on to apologize on behalf of his entire party for not awarding the Democratic nomination for president to Sen. Furnifold McLendel Simmons (D-NC) in 1920.

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Klobuchar Hoping To Distinguish Herself During Debate As Only Candidate Not Sucker Punched In Gut Moments Before Stepping On Stage

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Illustration for article titled Klobuchar Hoping To Distinguish Herself During Debate As Only Candidate Not Sucker Punched In Gut Moments Before Stepping On Stage

CHARLESTON, SC—Stressing that the contrast between herself and her rivals could not be starker, presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar told viewers at Tuesday night’s Democratic debate that she remained the only candidate who had not been sucker punched in the gut moments before stepping on stage. “Tonight, I’m asking voters to really think about the distinct choice they’re being offered between a heartland Democrat with a record of serious accomplishments and six other candidates who have spent this entire debate doubled over and collapsing in front of their podiums or wheezing for air,” said the Minnesota senator, pointing to her distinguished record of not getting absolutely clocked in the moments before a national television appearance before gesturing across the stage at a whimpering Bernie Sanders clutching his stomach as he rolled around in agony. “Ask yourself, if Elizabeth Warren wasn’t prepared to get slugged right in the breadbasket as she stepped into the spotlight, then do you really think she’ll be ready for the presidency? Now you’ve seen what my fists are capable of this evening, and if you’re ready for a different type of candidate—one who isn’t whimpering and begging for mercy—then I promise you a place with me.” At press time, Klobuchar had torn into Michael Bloomberg’s supposedly tough-on-crime record as the dry heaving former New York City mayor began to retch onto the debate floor.

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Moderators Kick Off Debate By Asking Whether Bloomberg Ready To Get Shit Rocked Again

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Illustration for article titled Moderators Kick Off Debate By Asking Whether Bloomberg Ready To Get Shit Rocked Again

CHARLESTON, SC—As the televised event featuring the leading contenders for the Democratic Party presidential nomination got underway Tuesday evening, CBS moderators kicked off the debate by asking whether Michael Bloomberg was ready to get his shit rocked again. “Our first question is for Mayor Bloomberg: How will you respond to another two hours of the other nominees just completely wrecking your shit?” said CBS This Morning co-host Gayle King, citing the fact that the billionaire former New York City mayor had spent the debate six days earlier “getting absolutely bodied” and wondered whether he had a plan to prevent “a complete and total roasting” from happening again. “Mr. Bloomberg, do you believe that you prepared this time, and is it going to be enough? Because from where we’re sitting, you got ripped a new one last debate, and now you’re about to be hit from every side. Honestly, after seeing how easy it was last time, we wouldn’t be surprised if the other candidates are even better prepared to tear you apart. Tonight, the whole country is watching to see if you have any plan to avoid getting fucking hammered again. You ready?” Sources confirmed that fellow CBS moderator Norah O’Donnell then interjected and told Bloomberg that they would give him 30 seconds to run off the stage if he still wanted to save himself before it started.

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Trump Holds Diplomatic Ceremony To Formally Welcome Coronavirus To United States

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Illustration for article titled Trump Holds Diplomatic Ceremony To Formally Welcome Coronavirus To United States

WASHINGTON—Declaring that he was looking forward to showing the influential global entity around the country, President Donald Trump held a diplomatic ceremony Wednesday to formally welcome the coronavirus to the United States. “This is a historic day for America, and I hope that the coronavirus will appreciate our efforts to give it a warm reception and work with us to build a thriving, mutually beneficial relationship,” said the president, announcing that Covid-19 would join him on the White House South Lawn for the presentation of an American flag accompanied by a military brass band, before a meeting with high-ranking administration officials and leaders from the business community in the Oval Office. “We have a full itinerary planned over the next few days in which will tour a variety of Washington cultural sites, newly built manufacturing facilities, and even the state-of-the-art Johns Hopkins Hospital, so the coronavirus can observe firsthand the best of American pride and ingenuity. We are excited to develop a stronger bond with such an influential force in the international community, and we hope that a strong partnership with the coronavirus could lead to further diplomatic relations with H1N1, SARS, and other prominent global viruses.” At press time, a Trump administration spokesperson announced a change to the diplomatic itinerary after the coronavirus had expressed an interest in touring the CDC director’s lungs.

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