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Trump Seeks To Stimulate Economy By Sending Rare Autographed Photo To Every American

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Illustration for article titled Trump Seeks To Stimulate Economy By Sending Rare Autographed Photo To Every American

WASHINGTON—With markets plummeting and many workers losing jobs as the coronavirus pandemic wreaks havoc on businesses, President Donald Trump announced Thursday a plan to stimulate the economy by sending a rare autographed 8-by-10-inch glossy photograph of himself to every U.S. resident. “We know people are hurting financially, so in order to assist them at this critical time, I will be sending out these exclusive and very high-quality signed Donald J. Trump headshots to every American,” said the president, explaining that the approximately 330 million recipients of the exclusive collector’s items could sell them for a hefty sum and then use the cash to cover rent, groceries, and medical bills, which would, in turn, pump billions of dollars back into the economy. “Look, I’m a pretty well-known guy, so these things should definitely fetch a nice price and be a huge help to our workers, sustaining them through a difficult moment in our country’s history. All we ask is that you do choose to sell them and spend the money now, for the sake of the economy, rather than holding on to these beautiful, limited-edition keepsakes as they inevitably appreciate in value. This is truly the stimulus we’ve all been waiting for.” At press time, critics had assailed Trump for exploiting a loophole in the new plan that allows him to send large corporations hundreds of thousands of extra autographed photos of himself.

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Trump Administration Rolls Back Hunting Regulations Forbidding Use Of Chokeholds, Eye Gouging On Birds

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Illustration for article titled Trump Administration Rolls Back Hunting Regulations Forbidding Use Of Chokeholds, Eye Gouging On Birds

WASHINGTON—In a legal measure that will greatly expand the options available to American sportsmen, the Trump administration announced Thursday that it would repeal legacy regulations forbidding the use of controversial chokeholds and eye-gouging when hunting game birds. “Although animal rights activists have long decried placing grouse in sleeper holds, piledriving pheasants, and headbutting doves, we recognize that these inarguably effective moves have a long tradition among wingshooters,” said President Donald Trump in a press conference, adding that no less a man than Theodore Roosevelt had thought nothing of roundhouse kicking a brace of ducks for his dinner. “They call the move the ‘Crossface Chicken Wing’ for a reason. Furthermore, banning the use of the common folding chair as an implement for slamming birds across the head is a holdover from the days of ignorant environmentalists who don’t respect traditional hunting. True woodsmen know that respecting nature often means wrapping barbed wire around your fist to pummel a Canada goose or digging your thumbs into the eyes of a woodcock, and that there isn’t a hunter alive who wouldn’t curb stomp a wild turkey.” President Trump then posed for photographs while repeatedly smashing a quail beak-first into one of the White House’s marble columns.

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Embarrassed Heart Surgeon Admits He May Have Accidentally Left Sanders’ Medical Records In Candidate’s Chest

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Illustration for article titled Embarrassed Heart Surgeon Admits He May Have Accidentally Left Sanders’ Medical Records In Candidate’s Chest

LAS VEGAS—Acknowledging the blunder following public pressure that his patient release the confidential documents, embarrassed heart surgeon Dr. Michael Sharrer admitted to reporters Monday that he may have accidentally left Bernie Sanders’ medical records in the candidate’s chest. “Honestly, I just set them down for a second, and before I knew it he was all closed up,” said Sharrer, who speculated that he must have misplaced the Vermont senator’s health records inside Sanders’ thoracic cavity while performing the stent procedure with the scalpel in one hand and the files in the other back in October. “It was a manila folder filled with all kinds of test results and charts. It probably got tucked behind the rib cage. I really should have been more careful considering that was our only copy. We could try an X-ray, but they might be difficult to read because they’re probably all bloody. Man, we should really switch to digital records.” At press time, Sanders’ critics were calling upon the presidential candidate to cut open his chest to release the records.

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Trump In India Hails Blossoming Relations Between The 2 Planets

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Illustration for article titled Trump In India Hails Blossoming Relations Between The 2 Planets

AHMEDABAD, INDIA—Representing the United States during a diplomatic visit to India, President Donald Trump hailed the blossoming relations between the two planets during a rally Monday at the 110,000-seat Motera Stadium. “Although we may come from different worlds, and our civilizations are separated by millions of lightyears, the bonds we share are still incredibly powerful,” said Trump, who marveled aloud at the strange vegetation and peculiar culture of the foreign planet, remarking to aides that the inhabitants of India were “a lot like us,” despite their extraterrestrial origin. “When I landed here in my flying craft after a long journey at warp speed through multiple galaxies, your entire planet came out into the streets to welcome me as if I were a member of your own species. That’s something I’ll never forget. May our two countries continue to exist in interplanetary harmony, sending a message of peace to the rest of the universe.” Trump later complimented Indian prime minister Narendra Modi’s efforts to combat the intergalactic Muslim threat that puts their shared star system in danger.

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