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Trump Makes Powerful Pro-Life Case By Speaking About The Joys Of Neglecting A Child

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WASHINGTON—Speaking to thousands of March For Life protesters assembled on the National Mall, President Donald Trump took to the stage Friday to make a powerful pro-life case about the joys of neglecting a child. “Of course, I’m a father, and I had my thoughts about terminating them all, but I’m standing before you today to tell you that I’m glad I didn’t because I would never have gotten to experience the simple but incredible pleasures of pawning them off on the help for the first decade or so of their lives,” said Trump, defending the anti-abortion movement with a stirring speech about how profoundly being an absent and indifferent father had affected his life. “I wish I could describe to you how good it feels to avoid every soccer game and piano recital, and how incredible it’s been watching them grow from a child I couldn’t care less about to an adult I barely know. Whether it’s Ivanka, Don Jr., or one of the other two, they’ve each been a blessing that I never would have known if they had been aborted.” Trump went on to bring several audience members to tears by describing in detail the moment he first realized he’d be able to bully and emotionally terrorize his children forever. 

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Self-Loathing GOP Congressman Can’t Believe He’s Been Reduced To Defending Necessity Of Public Schools

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Illustration for article titled Self-Loathing GOP Congressman Can’t Believe He’s Been Reduced To Defending Necessity Of Public Schools

WASHINGTON—As the nation falls deeper into the grip of a pandemic that has forced compromises upon his most cherished principles, a self-loathing Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN) acknowledged Friday he could not believe he had been reduced to defending the necessity of public schools in a civil society. “I hear these words coming out of my mouth, these requests for more federal dollars so public schools can reopen, and I wonder, ‘My God, what have I become?’” said Alexander, who wondered aloud whether he might still be able to console himself by diverting money from lunch programs and using it to build more charter schools. “I can barely recognize myself anymore, this man who goes on television and talks about how a return to normalcy in American life depends upon increasing funds to public schools and ensuring they have everything they need to succeed. Ugh, how has it come to this? Has the half century I’ve spent in politics been a complete waste?” At press time, Alexander had reportedly cheered himself up by thinking about all the public school teachers and staff whose health would be threatened by reopening too soon.

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Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary

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Illustration for article titled Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary

WASHINGTON—Following the progressive challenger’s victory over 16-term incumbent Rep. Eliot Engel (D-NY), House Speaker Nancy Pelosi phoned Jamaal Bowman to scold him for winning his primary race, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I just wanted to call and personally reprimand you for your victory,” said Pelosi, extending her sincerest indignation to the former Bronx middle school educator, who is expected to easily win the general election in his heavily Democratic congressional district. “I understand there are some mail-in ballots that still need to be counted, but it appears you won big last night and energized a lot of first-time voters and young people we absolutely did not want voting in this primary. So allow me to extend my sincerest fuck-you for everything you’ve done. Obviously, we’re going to be working together soon, so I look forward to crushing you the first chance I get.” Pelosi added that when things became official in November, she would call again to express how frustrated she was to welcome Bowman to Congress.

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Trump Claims Responsibility For Longest Black History Month In 4 Years

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Trump Claims Responsibility For Longest Black History Month In 4 Years

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