Connect with us

Politics

Trump Hacks Through Thick Central American Jungle In Search Of Entirely New Ethnic Group To Demonize

Published

on

Illustration for article titled Trump Hacks Through Thick Central American Jungle In Search Of Entirely New Ethnic Group To Demonizeem/em

TALAMANCAN MONTANE FORESTS, COSTA RICA—Venturing deep into rainforest no outsider has dared explore, President Trump slashed through the thick vines of a Central American jungle Monday in search of a previously unknown ethnic group to vilify. “Legend has it that this land is home to a lost race of people living in complete isolation, and if I can manage to find them, I will be able to stereotype them in any way I choose,” said the machete-wielding commander in chief who was wearing a tan field jacket as he led a group of loyal Republican allies through the oppressively hot and humid thicket in search of the mythic tribe. “This discovery could change everything. These people remain entirely untouched by any media coverage whatsoever, so I can easily stick them with the blame for our nation’s drug problems, violent crime, stagnant wage growth, you name it.” Upon sighting the uncontacted tribe, Trump’s reelection team reportedly took grainy black-and-white videos of them for immediate use in menacing campaign ads.

Source link

Continue Reading
Click to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Politics

Georgia Election Worker Assures Black Man Ballot Scanner Supposed To Sound Like Shredder

Published

on

Illustration for article titled Georgia Election Worker Assures Black Man Ballot Scanner Supposed To Sound Like Shredderem/em

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Insisting that the machine was operating exactly as intended, Georgia election worker Mitchell Hamlin reportedly assured a black man on Tuesday that the ballot scanner was supposed to sound like a shredder. “Don’t you worry, it’s designed to sound like it’s ripping your ballot into thousands of tiny pieces,” the election worker informed the middle-aged African American resident, adding that it was merely a coincidence that several white voters in front of him had been directed to insert their ballots into a different scanner. “You should absolutely be hearing a constant whirring and shredding sound—that’s the machine’s way of telling you that your vote counts. And that bucket below where the ballot scanner is dropping strips of paper? That’s simply the machine producing a receipt so we know it went through to the right place. Congratulations, you definitely voted today.” At press time, Hamlin stated that he could also confirm the man’s registration for the 2020 election if he just handed over his driver’s license.

Source link

Continue Reading

Politics

Bored J.B. Pritzker Brainstorming New Hobbies To Blow Money On After Winning Election

Published

on

Illustration for article titled Bored J.B. Pritzker Brainstorming New Hobbies To Blow Money On After Winning Electionem/em

CHICAGO—Growing restless and wandering away from the party celebrating his victory Tuesday night, a bored J.B. Pritzker was reportedly brainstorming new hobbies to blow his money on after winning the Illinois gubernatorial election. “Shelling out $171 million of my own money to get elected governor was fun and all, but now that that’s over and done with, it’s time to think big and find some other stuff I can buy,” said Pritzker, adding that after spending his own and his family’s vast wealth on starting an investment group with his brother, owning a horse farm in Wisconsin, purchasing a Lake Geneva vacation mansion, having a science center at the Milton Academy named after him, getting a building at the University of South Dakota named after his wife’s parents, ensuring the Northwestern law school was named after his family, setting up charities to provide cover for funneling money into offshore accounts, bankrolling union-busting activities at companies he owns, sending his children to private school, heavily funding two Hillary Clinton presidential campaigns, giving over $2 million to Duke University, flying on private jets, and winning the governor’s race, he was looking for a fun new diversion to help offload some more of his $3.4 billion fortune. “It’s definitely nice to be governor, but what I’m really looking for is something that requires me to pony up some serious moolah. After all, I only get to be governor of one state. I bought a bunch of Faberge eggs and a ton of the rarest luxury cars I could find, but that’s not really doing it for me. I was talking to someone the other day who said I could buy an Egyptian mummy, so maybe I’ll do that. Or I could buy up a bunch of vineyards, or a couple castles? Maybe I can use my time as governor to really get down to work on my dream of finally buying all of Da Vinci’s works. I’d better think of something soon, though, since all this cash is really burning a hole in my pocket.” At press time, Pritzker had decided to order a full-scale reproduction of Venice in southern Illinois after realizing how much taxpayer money he would have fritter away.

Source link

Continue Reading

Politics

Trump Unveils Reelection Campaign Plan To Drive Bus Into Crowds Across Country

Published

on

Illustration for article titled Trump Unveils Reelection Campaign Plan To Drive Bus Into Crowds Across Countryem/em

WASHINGTON—In an effort to appeal to his base and build enthusiasm for his reelection bid, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that his 2020 campaign included plans to drive a specially decorated tour bus into crowds across the country. “I’ll have these amazing crowds, the biggest, most beautiful crowds you’ve ever seen, and we’ll just plow right through them in our bus,” said Trump, explaining his strategy for retaining control of the White House by energizing his base with campaign rallies and appearances and then crushing them under the weight of a chartered bus. “No one has campaigned like this before––bringing a gorgeous bus to huge crowds of everyday Americans and running them down. It’s the, you know, the people, and I’m the people’s president. It will probably say that on the bus. Important. Connect with voters. We’re going to the South, through the—what they call it since Obama—the rustbelt, meeting supporters, driving into them, driving over them. Driving over thousands of people. Men, women, children, everyday Americans, they’ll love it. They love buses. We get huge crowds of folks at my rallies, you know? These people, they’ll chant my name while I drive over them in our bus. Big bus, just beautiful. I’ll drive the bus myself—I can drive. The bus can go, like, 90 miles per hour, so we’ll—you know, I’m gonna do that. Run them over. Crush them, drum up so many votes.” A special TrumpBus companion website reportedly features a special section for donors pledging over $1,000 to Trump’s reelection campaign in exchange for president slowly backing his bus over the donor’s entire extended family has already sold out.

Source link

Continue Reading

Trending