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Trump Assures Americans He Called 911 To Report Coronavirus Outbreak

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Illustration for article titled Trump Assures Americans He Called 911 To Report Coronavirus Outbreak

WASHINGTON—Saying he was on top of the situation and the disease would not be spreading any further, President Donald Trump assured the nation Friday that he had called 911 to report the coronavirus pandemic and that help was on its way. “I just got off the phone with 911, they are aware of the situation, and we’ll soon have this thing taken care of,” the commander-in-chief said during a televised address on Covid-19, urging all 330 million Americans not to worry because emergency response personnel should be arriving to assist them any minute now. “I made sure to tell the operator this thing was important, and she agreed with me. So everyone should just relax and wait for them. They can send the fire department and the ambulance or both, and then they can probably give you a flu shot or something like that. It’s good. We’re in good shape.” At press time, White House sources confirmed the president had dialed 911 again to tell them that everything was actually fine and the nation didn’t need their help at all.

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Increased Airtime Of Chantix Commercials Results In Ray Liotta Qualifying For Democratic Debate

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Illustration for article titled Increased Airtime Of Chantix Commercials Results In Ray Liotta Qualifying For Democratic Debate

LAS VEGAS—In a powerful testament to the role television advertising still plays in driving national polls, increased airtime of commercials for tobacco cessation aid Chantix led to celebrity spokesperson Ray Liotta qualifying for Wednesday night’s Democratic Debate. “Chantix has made some especially aggressive ad purchases in recent months that helped spread the word about Ray Liotta and his struggle to find a stop-smoking aid that works for him,” said polling expert Kevin Michaels, stressing that the extensive television ad campaign familiarized Americans with Liotta as a “father, actor, and ex-smoker” and directly led to the polling surge that secured his place on the debate stage. “What these ads have done for key sections of the electorate is not only boost awareness of Liotta, but also expose voters to his difficulties to quit cold turkey before eventually finding a way to overcome his urge to smoke with Chantix. It’s a message of hope that’s clearly resonating with voters.” At press time, experts suggested the strategy may have backfired after Amy Klobuchar hammered Liotta for pushing a product that can cause changes in behavior, depressed mood, and nausea.

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Stephen Miller Spends Entire Honeymoon In Hotel Room Calling ICE On Cleaning Staff

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Stephen Miller Spends Entire Honeymoon In Hotel Room Calling ICE On Cleaning Staff

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‘Four Quarts Make A Gallon. The Frontal Lobe Controls Decision Making. The Ottoman Empire Dissolved In 1922,” Says Amy Klobuchar, Continuing To Name Trivia Facts Hours After Debate Ends

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‘Four Quarts Make A Gallon. The Frontal Lobe Controls Decision Making. The Ottoman Empire Dissolved In 1922,” Says Amy Klobuchar, Continuing To Name Trivia Facts Hours After Debate Ends

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