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Trump Administration Releases Best Case Scenario Projections For Coronavirus Where 8 Million Iranian People Die

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WASHINGTON—Striking an optimistic note in his daily press briefing about the global pandemic, President Donald Trump spoke to reporters Thursday, detailing his administration’s best case scenario projections for coronavirus where eight million Iranian people are killed. “If we’re very lucky, we could be looking at many millions of dead Iranians, which is why we must do everything in our power to act,” said Trump, confirming that the U.S. government would be pouring resources into continued sanctions and military action against Iran to boost those numbers. “We’re taking this very seriously and monitoring the situation at all times, and we’re hopeful that we could hit this target, or maybe even go past it, but the reality is, this is just a projection and it could tragically be as low as three or four million. We need help from every sector to make sure these citizens are unable to receive medical assistance and continue dying in the street.” When pressed by reporters, Trump acknowledged that the time had come to confront the ugly reality that at least some Iranians would survive.

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Takeaways From The New Hampshire Primaries

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The New Hampshire presidential primaries took place on February 11, with President Donald Trump seeking reelection and several candidates locked in fierce competition for Democratic delegates. The Onion provides the most important takeaways from the New Hampshire primaries.


Exit polls indicated there at least 283,440 people in New Hampshire.


Suspicious lack of technical difficulties.


Bernie Sanders loses to Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg in key battle for second and third place.


Deval Patrick and Michael Bennet bested by “Other.”


Cold rain and common sense not deterring 154 people from leaving home to vote for Cory Booker.


Buttigieg unable to carry momentum from preemptively declaring victory in Iowa to preemptively declaring victory in other states.


If you ask the bartender at Buffalo Wild Wings to turn on the New Hampshire primaries for you, he’ll give you a look, but he’ll still do it.


Elizabeth Warren struggles to shore up support among people who have made up minds to vote for another candidate.


Tom Steyer had a nice time with his friends.


Vote goes in, gets counted. Simple as that, Iowa.

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Pros And Cons Of Abolishing The Senate

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Established by Article 1 of the U.S. Constitution and first convened in 1789, the Senate has served as the upper chamber of Congress, but as America has grown and populations have shifted, its continued existence as a chamber that gives every state an equal number of representatives has come under scrutiny. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of abolishing the Senate.


PRO

Founders devised Senate several generations before anyone could have even conceived of Oklahoma

Haven’t abolished anything in a while

Senate building could make for some nice new downtown lofts

Could lead to formation of fun new legislative body with cool name like The Assembly or The Council of Elders


CON

Senate serves as a safety valve in case democracy functioning too well

Would be mean after Founding Fathers put so much work into it

Kind of terrifying to think about what Mitch McConnell would get up to in private sector

Derails career track for children of current senators 

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Mike Bloomberg: ‘I Apologize For The Damages My Past Policies Have Caused To The Negro Community’

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Mike Bloomberg: ‘I Apologize For The Damages My Past Policies Have Caused To The Negro Community’

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