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Timeline Of The Iowa Caucuses Debacle



Illustration for article titled Timeline Of The Iowa Caucuses Debacle

The Iowa caucuses, where the first votes were tallied for the 2020 presidential election, became a days-long fiasco largely due to an app malfunction. The Onion offers a look at the key events of the Iowa caucuses debacle.

Friday, July 5, 1776, 5:01 AM:

Iowa caucuses system implemented on first day of America.

Tuesday, Jan. 7, 2020, 8:27 PM:

Democratic National Committee’s plan to sabotage caucuses finalized.

Thursday, Jan. 30, 3:26 PM:

For-profit tech company Shadow assures DNC that election app cost millions of dollars.

Sunday, Feb. 2, 8:01 AM:

Iowa precinct chairs downloading app unknowingly release all personal data to Shadow.

Monday, Feb. 3, 6:30 PM:

Thousands of Iowans kiss families goodbye for last time before entering designated caucus locations.

Monday, Feb. 3, 10:23 PM:

Border precincts yell into Nebraska to see if anyone there can help with app.

Monday, Feb. 3, 11:38 PM:

Denver resident Amy Stanton’s friends leave her to clean up mess after her caucus viewing party totally ruined by lack of results.

Tuesday, Feb. 4, 6:01 AM:

Pete Buttigieg begins assembling cabinet.

Tuesday, Feb. 4, 1:19 PM:

Media declares Iowa caucuses incredibly significant symbol of irrelevance.

Tuesday, Feb. 4, 4:13 PM:

DNC official Googles rules of rounding decimal numbers for 10,000th time of day.

Tuesday, Feb. 4, 6:02 PM:

Joe Biden takes consolation in fact that Iowa’s embarrassment eclipses his.

Wednesday, Feb. 5, 10:09 AM:

Iowa Democratic Party announces plan to trickle out information about single vote every day for next 17,000 months.

Wednesday, Feb. 5, 5:12 PM:

Marion, IA resident Terry Walker begins to lose faith in Bernie Sanders’ ability to accurately convey how little political establishment cares about voters.

Thursday, Feb. 6, 11:20 AM:

Democratic Party officials scrambling to find someone less qualified to do Tom Perez’s job.

Thursday, Feb. 6, 8:30 PM:

Election officials hail intractable first-place tie between Sanders and Buttigieg as victory for more voters than ever before.

Friday, Feb. 7, 4:02 PM:

Fuck it, Tom Steyer declares victory too.

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Ted Cruz Stuck In Nosebleed Seats At Senate Campaign Rally



Illustration for article titled Ted Cruz Stuck In Nosebleed Seats At Senate Campaign Rallyem/em

HOUSTON—Straining to hear President Trump speak from his vantage point high in the rafters of the Toyota Center, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly complained Monday after being stuck in the nosebleed seats at his campaign rally. “C’mon, I can barely make out what Trump’s talking about,” said Cruz, leaning forward in his seat in section 417 to better see whether the president’s rally appearance in support of him was going well or not. “I think that little speck next to him on the stage is my wife and kids? But back here, who knows? God, I just hope they’re saying good things about me.” At press time, Cruz was spotted being escorted out of the venue by security after attempting to move to a better seat midway through the rally.

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Trump Announces He’ll Pay Legal Fees Of Any Rally Attendee Who Beats Up Ted Cruz



Illustration for article titled Trump Announces He’ll Pay Legal Fees Of Any Rally Attendee Who Beats Up Ted Cruzem/em

HOUSTON—In an effort to whip up excitement at an event for the Texas senator’s reelection campaign, President Donald Trump announced to the rally crowd Monday that he would pay the legal fees of any attendee who beats up Ted Cruz. “I promise you this, folks—if anybody here knocks the crap out of Ted Cruz, I will pay whatever it costs,” said Trump to raucous cheering from the Toyota Center audience as he demonstrated several moves, including a body slam, a chokehold, and an uppercut punch, that a supporter could use on the one-term senator. “I mean, just look this guy. That’s a real bad dude, folks, and he’s just asking for it. We don’t want this kind of guy here at this rally, believe me. Six figures, seven figures—I don’t care how much. I’ll pay for it. If you want to take a swing at him right now, be my guest.” At press time, Cruz had announced he would match the legal fees Trump donated to anyone who punched him in the face.

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Nation’s Fact-Checkers Confirm They’ll Probably Wrap Up Evaluating Trump’s Statements By 2050 At Latest



Illustration for article titled Nation’s Fact-Checkers Confirm They’ll Probably Wrap Up Evaluating Trump’s Statements By 2050 At Latestem/em

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they needed time to properly inform the public about instances in which the commander in chief had knowingly made false claims, the nation’s fact-checkers confirmed Tuesday that they’ll probably wrap up evaluating President Trump’s statements by 2050 at the latest. “As we’ve seen numerous times, the president has a tendency to stretch the veracity of objective fact, but we’re confident that we’ll have finished fully assessing the truthfulness of his claims within the next several decades,” said PolitiFact researcher Gregory Wu, stressing that the country’s fact-checkers wanted to take their time and thoroughly vet all declarations made by the president in order to ensure that they could compile a complete list of corrections within the next half century. “We’re working around the clock, which is why we’re currently on pace to finish fact-checking everything President Trump said during his first 100 days in office by the late 2020s. It’s crucial for us to carefully examine every word and phrase in order to determine whether the president is deliberately lying and using false information, or whether he simply misspoke or was taken out of context. By 2050, we expect to have fact-checked every one of President Trump’s public statements, interviews, state speeches, and extemporaneous remarks so that American voters can make an informed decision about the president’s relationship with the truth.” At press time, a new speech at a campaign rally by Trump had forced the fact-checkers to push back their deadline to 2075.

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