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‘They Can’t Impeach Someone They Can’t See,’ Say Trump Boys Cramming Dad Into Homemade Bunker Under Oval Office Desk

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WASHINGTON—Hastily concealing the “super top secret” shelter’s entrance with a couch cushion, the Trump boys reportedly declared “They can’t impeach someone they can’t see” Friday while cramming their dad into a homemade bunker under the Oval Office desk. “The House peach managers [sic] are never, ever gonna be able to find dad way deep in here!” said Donald Trump Jr., who stapled a note with the message “definitely no president inside” to blankets as an extra security precaution while Eric Trump punched air holes through the pillows with a pair of scissors. “Stay right there, dad, and don’t move till 2050. We read through the whole constant tuition [sic] and it says those guys can’t impeach you if they can’t find you. Here are two pieces of bread for dinners, and a straw you can use as a snorkel. Close your eyes real tight and you’ll be totally invisible. Okay, see you later. We’re gonna glue the bunker door shut.” At press time, the Trump boys were panicking after realizing they’d lost their father.

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Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary

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Illustration for article titled Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary

WASHINGTON—Following the progressive challenger’s victory over 16-term incumbent Rep. Eliot Engel (D-NY), House Speaker Nancy Pelosi phoned Jamaal Bowman to scold him for winning his primary race, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I just wanted to call and personally reprimand you for your victory,” said Pelosi, extending her sincerest indignation to the former Bronx middle school educator, who is expected to easily win the general election in his heavily Democratic congressional district. “I understand there are some mail-in ballots that still need to be counted, but it appears you won big last night and energized a lot of first-time voters and young people we absolutely did not want voting in this primary. So allow me to extend my sincerest fuck-you for everything you’ve done. Obviously, we’re going to be working together soon, so I look forward to crushing you the first chance I get.” Pelosi added that when things became official in November, she would call again to express how frustrated she was to welcome Bowman to Congress.

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Trump Claims Responsibility For Longest Black History Month In 4 Years

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Trump Claims Responsibility For Longest Black History Month In 4 Years

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Damning New Footage Shows Sanders In 1980s Arguing Madonna Could Never Make Transition From Music To Film

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Illustration for article titled Damning New Footage Shows Sanders In 1980s Arguing Madonna Could Never Make Transition From Music To Film

NEW YORK—In a video from late 1984 that was circulating online Friday and could severely damage his bid for the presidency, Bernie Sanders can be heard openly questioning whether Madonna was likely to succeed in the transition from making records to acting in major motion pictures. “Look, she’s an undeniable pop sensation with a promising string of top-20 hits to her credit, but let me tell you something: There’s no guarantee that kind of talent is going to translate to the silver screen,” Sanders, then mayor of Burlington, VT, says in a local public-access broadcast in which he clearly exhibits short-sightedness in his failure to anticipate the undeniable success the Material Girl would achieve in box-office smashes such as A League Of Their Own and Evita. “Madonna should stick to music. People love this Like A Virgin album, it’s a lot of fun to dance to, and she needs to build on its success. Taking time away from that to focus on what are sure to be small, insubstantial roles in lackluster films? That’s career suicide.” Reminded by reporters that Madonna had won acclaim for her role in Desperately Seeking Susan just a few months after his videotaped remarks, a visibly angry Sanders argued that Rosanna Arquette had carried that entire film and anyone who said otherwise didn’t know “a goddamn thing” about acting.

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