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‘There Is Overwhelming And Undeniable Evidence To Support Going To War With Whoever’

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Illustration for article titled Mike Pompeo: ‘There Is Overwhelming And Undeniable Evidence To Support Going To War With Whoever’

WASHINGTON—Citing rapidly escalating tensions, increasing frequency of treaty violations, and deteriorating diplomatic relations across the board, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo stated Monday that the United States has overwhelming and undeniable evidence to support going to war with whoever. “Make no mistake: America will not sit idly by while someone or other engages in what we say are continued irrefutable acts of aggression,” said Pompeo, emphasizing that the United States reserves the right to exercise full military might in order to protect its political and economic interests wherever. “Although the nation in question may be an undetermined or undefined distance from America’s borders, it remains crucial to protect our sovereignty and come to the aid of our allies, if any, in someplace, somewhere on the globe. We even have good reason to suspect that pretty much anyone anywhere is currently in the process of developing a nuclear arsenal.” Pompeo also confirmed that the Pentagon had detailed contingency plans for possible preemptive strikes on everywhere.

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Politics

Key Senate Races To Watch

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Illustration for article titled Midterms 2018: Key Senate Races To Watchem/em

There are 35 Senate seats up for reelection in the 2018 midterms, most of which are currently held by Democrats, while the Republicans are trying to hold onto their two-seat majority. The Onion takes a look at the key Senate 2018 races to watch.


Ted Cruz vs. Beto O’Rourke (Texas):

Have Democrats finally found the perfect foil for Ted Cruz in young longshot candidate Guy Who Is Not Ted Cruz?


Dean Heller vs. Jacky Rosen (Nevada):

As the only Republican incumbent facing reelection in a state won by Hillary Clinton, Heller has the unique opportunity to demonstrate just how bad Democrats are at winning elections.


Martha McSally vs. Kyrsten Sinema (Arizona):

Whether they want to or not, Arizona’s getting their first female senator.


Kevin Cramer vs. Heidi Heitkamp (North Dakota):

Heitkamp is trying to convince North Dakota voters she’s the type of “cool” Democrat who’s still totally down to ease banking regulations once in a while.


Lawrence Zupan vs. Bernie Sanders (Vermont):

Lawrence is gonna do the best he can, okay?


Patrick Morrissey vs. Joe Manchin (West Virginia):

Manchin hopes to retain his seat by touting his Democratic Party bona fides of how many past political stances he’s distanced himself from.


Josh Hawley vs. Claire McCaskill (Missouri):

Republican challenger Hawley vowed that his commitment to states’ rights extends to continuing to fight for Missouri after the United States is formally dissolved.


Marsha Blackburn vs. Phil Bredesen (Tennessee):

Ah shit, which one did Taylor Swift endorse again?


Rick Scott vs. Bill Nelson (Florida):

It’s the Republican governor versus the Democratic incumbent to determine who gets to represent what’s left of Florida in Congress.

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White House Concerned Ryan Zinke Made Land Deal Without Giving Cut To Trump

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Illustration for article titled White House Concerned Ryan Zinke Made Land Deal Without Giving Cut To Trumpem/em

WASHINGTON—Confirming the administration had launched a Justice Department investigation into the U.S. secretary of the interior’s conduct, the White House revealed Friday that it was concerned Ryan Zinke had made a land deal without giving a cut to President Trump. “Mounting evidence indicates that Secretary Zinke may have acted improperly by making money off of a private land development deal without letting President Trump wet his beak,” said White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, confirming that Zinke’s role in the development of a business and retail park near land in Montana that he and his wife own may have run afoul of White House rules for skimming some profits off the top for the president. “At no time did Mr. Zinke inform us about which Trump Organization bank account he would be depositing the president’s kickback into, nor have we received an envelope full of unmarked bills slipped under the Oval Office door. We are extremely disappointed that the secretary would use his office to enrich himself without also enriching the president.” White House officials added that while they were committed to investigating Zinke for potential impropriety, they wanted to reassure Americans that the vast majority of federal employees always followed protocol in giving a cut of the profits from their private-sector hustles to the president.

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New Trump Campaign Ad Claims That Illegal Immigrants Currently Murdering You With Knife

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Illustration for article titled New Trump Campaign Ad Claims That Illegal Immigrants Currently Murdering You With Knifeem/em

WASHINGTON—Drawing the ire of critics who decried the spot as “misleading” and “racially charged,” a new campaign ad released Friday by President Trump claimed that illegal immigrants are currently murdering you with a knife. “Thousands of homicidal MS-13 members have already poured over the Southern border and are at this very moment stabbing you repeatedly in the torso and stomach with a butcher’s knife,” said the ad, which urged voters to use the remainder of their strength to crawl to their nearest polling location before they bled out. “Several arteries have already been punctured, but before these monsters end your suffering they’re dragging your loved ones into the basement to flay them alive in front of you. You’re presently struggling against your restraints, but there’s nothing you can do. Soon you will begin to black out from despair and pain. The last thing you see in your final moments is Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer standing over you, laughing maniacally.” At press time, numerous Trump supporters had praised the ad for finally telling the truth about how they themselves had been killed by immigrants.

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