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Takeaways From The New Hampshire Primaries

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The New Hampshire presidential primaries took place on February 11, with President Donald Trump seeking reelection and several candidates locked in fierce competition for Democratic delegates. The Onion provides the most important takeaways from the New Hampshire primaries.


Exit polls indicated there at least 283,440 people in New Hampshire.


Suspicious lack of technical difficulties.


Bernie Sanders loses to Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg in key battle for second and third place.


Deval Patrick and Michael Bennet bested by “Other.”


Cold rain and common sense not deterring 154 people from leaving home to vote for Cory Booker.


Buttigieg unable to carry momentum from preemptively declaring victory in Iowa to preemptively declaring victory in other states.


If you ask the bartender at Buffalo Wild Wings to turn on the New Hampshire primaries for you, he’ll give you a look, but he’ll still do it.


Elizabeth Warren struggles to shore up support among people who have made up minds to vote for another candidate.


Tom Steyer had a nice time with his friends.


Vote goes in, gets counted. Simple as that, Iowa.

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Trump Unveils Reelection Campaign Plan To Drive Bus Into Crowds Across Country

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WASHINGTON—In an effort to appeal to his base and build enthusiasm for his reelection bid, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that his 2020 campaign included plans to drive a specially decorated tour bus into crowds across the country. “I’ll have these amazing crowds, the biggest, most beautiful crowds you’ve ever seen, and we’ll just plow right through them in our bus,” said Trump, explaining his strategy for retaining control of the White House by energizing his base with campaign rallies and appearances and then crushing them under the weight of a chartered bus. “No one has campaigned like this before––bringing a gorgeous bus to huge crowds of everyday Americans and running them down. It’s the, you know, the people, and I’m the people’s president. It will probably say that on the bus. Important. Connect with voters. We’re going to the South, through the—what they call it since Obama—the rustbelt, meeting supporters, driving into them, driving over them. Driving over thousands of people. Men, women, children, everyday Americans, they’ll love it. They love buses. We get huge crowds of folks at my rallies, you know? These people, they’ll chant my name while I drive over them in our bus. Big bus, just beautiful. I’ll drive the bus myself—I can drive. The bus can go, like, 90 miles per hour, so we’ll—you know, I’m gonna do that. Run them over. Crush them, drum up so many votes.” A special TrumpBus companion website reportedly features a special section for donors pledging over $1,000 to Trump’s reelection campaign in exchange for president slowly backing his bus over the donor’s entire extended family has already sold out.

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Key Takeaways From The 2018 Midterms

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The 2018 midterm elections resulted in the Republicans holding onto the Senate, the Democrats taking the House, a number of governor’s houses switching parties, and the passage of many progressive state ballot measures. The Onion takes a look at the key takeaways from the 2018 midterms.


Liberal enthusiasm was completely misguided, as the Democrats failed to win every race.


Money and racism still pretty effective campaigning tools.


Landmark elections of first Muslim women, 986th white supremacist to Congress.


Should probably bring snack to polling place next time.


Republicans continue to owe victories to the tireless work of grassroots gerrymandering.


To ensure a win in 2020, the Democrats should consider running either a far-left, center-left, moderate, or conservative candidate.


Diehard fans of graphical representations of data celebrated record chart turnout.


We probably won’t miss our grandparents as much as we think.


Wins by diverse candidates are stoking fears that more Americans willing to elect candidates who represent them.


Conclusively proves that America holds elections every two years.

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Beto Voter Struggling To Refocus Her Sexual Fantasies On Ted Cruz

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AUSTIN, TX—Admitting that her attempts to fantasize about the victorious Senate candidate “just haven’t been the same,” noticeably flustered Beto O’Rourke voter Carissa Halpern told reporters Wednesday she was having difficulty refocusing her sexual yearnings onto Ted Cruz. “I was really hoping Beto would be my senator, but Ted Cruz won, so I guess I have to find a way to make this work,” said Halpern, adding that no matter how long she stared at photos of Cruz, she kept getting tripped up whenever she tried to imagine him in any of the steamy, intensely erotic scenarios his opponent had occupied in her desires over the past six months. “He doesn’t work out, he isn’t handsome, and he certainly doesn’t have an appealing personality or sense of humor. But he did manage to beat Beto at the polls, so maybe that’s kind of hot? I don’t know. Maybe if I picture him as being kind of like a sexy vampire? Oh God, no—no, that’s definitely not going to help. This is really going take a lot of work.” At press time, Halpern said that while she was still struggling to get off to Cruz, refocusing her sexual desires into fantasies involving torture and pain play was certainly helping.

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