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Stephen Miller Hurt At Being Passed Over For Job Stalking Female Ambassador

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WASHINGTON—After learning that Ukraine police had opened an investigation into whether associates of the president had surveilled the diplomat in Kyiv last year, White House senior advisor Stephen Miller was reportedly upset Thursday at being passed over for a job stalking female U.S. ambassador Marie Yovanovitch. “When I found out that some of Giuliani’s goons had been tailing the ambassador around Ukraine, my heart just sank—I mean, how could they decide to follow a lady around and not pick me to do the job?” said Miller, who added that after all the thankless tasks he had performed for the Trump administration over three-plus years in office, he figured he would be at the top of the list when a plum gig like stalking a woman on the administration’s behalf came along. “If I had known there was an opening for shadowing an important lady, I would’ve absolutely thrown my hat in the ring. Maybe I got passed over because I’m already stalking a bunch of women here in the U.S., but I still would’ve been able to manage my time and make it work. It really hurts that they didn’t even bother to ask. It would be one thing if I didn’t have any experience in tracking women without them knowing, but I’m really good at it. I can keep quiet in an alleyway, or stay awake idling in the car, or huddle in a closet without a peep for hours. And I’m really good at gathering hair and undergarments. I just wish they’d given me a chance.” At press time, Miller had decided to cheer himself up by lying below the former ambassador’s bed wearing her clothing while she was asleep.

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Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary

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Illustration for article titled Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary

WASHINGTON—Following the progressive challenger’s victory over 16-term incumbent Rep. Eliot Engel (D-NY), House Speaker Nancy Pelosi phoned Jamaal Bowman to scold him for winning his primary race, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I just wanted to call and personally reprimand you for your victory,” said Pelosi, extending her sincerest indignation to the former Bronx middle school educator, who is expected to easily win the general election in his heavily Democratic congressional district. “I understand there are some mail-in ballots that still need to be counted, but it appears you won big last night and energized a lot of first-time voters and young people we absolutely did not want voting in this primary. So allow me to extend my sincerest fuck-you for everything you’ve done. Obviously, we’re going to be working together soon, so I look forward to crushing you the first chance I get.” Pelosi added that when things became official in November, she would call again to express how frustrated she was to welcome Bowman to Congress.

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Trump Claims Responsibility For Longest Black History Month In 4 Years

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Trump Claims Responsibility For Longest Black History Month In 4 Years

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Damning New Footage Shows Sanders In 1980s Arguing Madonna Could Never Make Transition From Music To Film

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Illustration for article titled Damning New Footage Shows Sanders In 1980s Arguing Madonna Could Never Make Transition From Music To Film

NEW YORK—In a video from late 1984 that was circulating online Friday and could severely damage his bid for the presidency, Bernie Sanders can be heard openly questioning whether Madonna was likely to succeed in the transition from making records to acting in major motion pictures. “Look, she’s an undeniable pop sensation with a promising string of top-20 hits to her credit, but let me tell you something: There’s no guarantee that kind of talent is going to translate to the silver screen,” Sanders, then mayor of Burlington, VT, says in a local public-access broadcast in which he clearly exhibits short-sightedness in his failure to anticipate the undeniable success the Material Girl would achieve in box-office smashes such as A League Of Their Own and Evita. “Madonna should stick to music. People love this Like A Virgin album, it’s a lot of fun to dance to, and she needs to build on its success. Taking time away from that to focus on what are sure to be small, insubstantial roles in lackluster films? That’s career suicide.” Reminded by reporters that Madonna had won acclaim for her role in Desperately Seeking Susan just a few months after his videotaped remarks, a visibly angry Sanders argued that Rosanna Arquette had carried that entire film and anyone who said otherwise didn’t know “a goddamn thing” about acting.

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