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RNC Audience Chilled By Tim Scott’s Ominous Story Of Black Man Who Rose To Position Of Power

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CHARLOTTE, NC—Admitting that the terrifying details would likely give them nightmares for weeks, Republican National Convention viewers told reporters Tuesday they were chilled by Senator Tim Scott’s ominous story of a black man who rose to a position of power. “Oh my God, just thinking about someone like him overcoming adversity to become the first African American to serve in both the House and the Senate—it sends shivers down my spine,” said Charlotte resident and RNC viewer Anna Lewis, adding that ever since hearing the words “poor black kid” and “American Dream” leave the senator’s mouth, she’d felt more than a little unsafe. “I’ve lived in this country for my entire life, and never ever did I once think I’d see something like what Tim Scott described happening in the United States of America. I’m telling you, if we don’t re-elect Donald Trump, there’s going to be a lot more stories of hardworking people succeeding regardless of race or financial circumstances, and believe me, they’re just going to get scarier.” At press time, several RNC viewers confirmed they couldn’t get the terrifying phrase “from cotton to Congress” from ringing in their ears at night.

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Trump In India Hails Blossoming Relations Between The 2 Planets

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AHMEDABAD, INDIA—Representing the United States during a diplomatic visit to India, President Donald Trump hailed the blossoming relations between the two planets during a rally Monday at the 110,000-seat Motera Stadium. “Although we may come from different worlds, and our civilizations are separated by millions of lightyears, the bonds we share are still incredibly powerful,” said Trump, who marveled aloud at the strange vegetation and peculiar culture of the foreign planet, remarking to aides that the inhabitants of India were “a lot like us,” despite their extraterrestrial origin. “When I landed here in my flying craft after a long journey at warp speed through multiple galaxies, your entire planet came out into the streets to welcome me as if I were a member of your own species. That’s something I’ll never forget. May our two countries continue to exist in interplanetary harmony, sending a message of peace to the rest of the universe.” Trump later complimented Indian prime minister Narendra Modi’s efforts to combat the intergalactic Muslim threat that puts their shared star system in danger.

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Elena Kagan Worried She’s A Fraud After Being Only Female Justice Not Called Out By Trump

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Illustration for article titled Elena Kagan Worried She’s A Fraud After Being Only Female Justice Not Called Out By Trump

WASHINGTON—Expressing doubt over whether she deserved of all her accolades, Supreme Court Associate Justice Elena Kagan was reportedly worried Tuesday that she was a fraud after being the only female justice not called out by President Donald Trump for being biased against him. “Has my career meant nothing? I feel so invisible,” said Kagan, gazing at her reflection in a mirror and questioning what it was her fellow female justices have that she herself lacks. “I mean, I was solicitor general as well as dean of Harvard Law School and I thought that was impressive, but does that even really mean anything if the president isn’t calling on me to recuse myself from cases involving him? This man should hate me, yet he hasn’t said a word about me voting against his wealth test for immigrants, or any of my other rulings. Am I just a big phony?” At press time, Kagan was trying to comfort herself by considering that a mistaken Trump might think she was actually a Bush appointee.

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Klobuchar Hoping To Distinguish Herself During Debate As Only Candidate Not Sucker Punched In Gut Moments Before Stepping On Stage

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Illustration for article titled Klobuchar Hoping To Distinguish Herself During Debate As Only Candidate Not Sucker Punched In Gut Moments Before Stepping On Stage

CHARLESTON, SC—Stressing that the contrast between herself and her rivals could not be starker, presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar told viewers at Tuesday night’s Democratic debate that she remained the only candidate who had not been sucker punched in the gut moments before stepping on stage. “Tonight, I’m asking voters to really think about the distinct choice they’re being offered between a heartland Democrat with a record of serious accomplishments and six other candidates who have spent this entire debate doubled over and collapsing in front of their podiums or wheezing for air,” said the Minnesota senator, pointing to her distinguished record of not getting absolutely clocked in the moments before a national television appearance before gesturing across the stage at a whimpering Bernie Sanders clutching his stomach as he rolled around in agony. “Ask yourself, if Elizabeth Warren wasn’t prepared to get slugged right in the breadbasket as she stepped into the spotlight, then do you really think she’ll be ready for the presidency? Now you’ve seen what my fists are capable of this evening, and if you’re ready for a different type of candidate—one who isn’t whimpering and begging for mercy—then I promise you a place with me.” At press time, Klobuchar had torn into Michael Bloomberg’s supposedly tough-on-crime record as the dry heaving former New York City mayor began to retch onto the debate floor.

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