Connect with us

Politics

Richard Burr Wondering When Profiting Off Mass Suffering Suddenly Became A Crime In This Country

Published

on

Illustration for article titled Richard Burr Wondering When Profiting Off Mass Suffering Suddenly Became A Crime In This Country

WASHINGTON—Admitting he was blindsided by the hysterical reaction to a pretty normal transaction, North Carolina Senator Richard Burr wondered Friday when profiting off mass suffering had suddenly become a crime in this country. “Jesus Christ, when did everyone get so uptight about this? I remember when we used to celebrate people who used their talent and connections to get rich from death and anguish,” said Burr, who claimed what he did was no different than what many successful, patriotic Americans have been doing for hundreds of years. “Even Tucker Carlson is being a little bitch about this. What’s the big deal? Didn’t we all decide this was cool in the 2008 recession? Last time I checked, using sensitive information to enrich yourself at the expense of hundreds of millions of other people was totally fine. I talked to Kelly [Loeffler] and Ron [Johnson] about cashing out, and nobody even batted an eye. What’s the point of being a senator if you can’t profit off the world’s problems? I’m making money, not losing it, but I guess jealous people have decided that becoming rich and powerful from a national tragedy is suddenly evil. There’s something seriously wrong with this country.” At press time, Burr announced his intentions to resign after shamefully admitting he only pulled in a 22% return from his insider trading.

Source link

Politics

‘I’ll Rule You Peasants With An Iron Fist,’ Says Bloomberg To Standing Ovation During DNC Debate

Published

on

Illustration for article titled ‘I’ll Rule You Peasants With An Iron Fist,’ Says Bloomberg To Standing Ovation During DNC Debate

LAS VEGAS—In a demonstration of the high level of enthusiasm the former New York City mayor enjoys among the electorate, surging presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg was met with a standing ovation during the Democratic debate Wednesday as he promised to “rule you peasants with an iron fist.” “Kneel before me and tremble, you piteous wretches, for I am your new sovereign ruler and my will is infallible,” said Bloomberg, cutting into his rivals’ speaking time as his pledge to “vanquish my enemies and reward my supplicants” was met with thunderous applause by thousands of assembled audience members. “You peons, you mean as little to me as a clump of dirt to a mighty mountain, and I’ll step on the necks of every last one of you on my quest for greater and greater power. Gaze upon your new God and fear my capricious wrath.” At press time, the audience had broken out into chants of “Bloomberg! Bloomberg!” as armed guards emerged from the exits to indiscriminately beat them with batons.

Source link

Continue Reading

Politics

Chuck Todd Reminds Candidates That If They Want More Time To Speak There Are Melee Weapons Under Each Of Their Lecterns

Published

on

Chuck Todd Reminds Candidates That If They Want More Time To Speak There Are Melee Weapons Under Each Of Their Lecterns

Source link

Continue Reading

Politics

Increased Airtime Of Chantix Commercials Results In Ray Liotta Qualifying For Democratic Debate

Published

on

Illustration for article titled Increased Airtime Of Chantix Commercials Results In Ray Liotta Qualifying For Democratic Debate

LAS VEGAS—In a powerful testament to the role television advertising still plays in driving national polls, increased airtime of commercials for tobacco cessation aid Chantix led to celebrity spokesperson Ray Liotta qualifying for Wednesday night’s Democratic Debate. “Chantix has made some especially aggressive ad purchases in recent months that helped spread the word about Ray Liotta and his struggle to find a stop-smoking aid that works for him,” said polling expert Kevin Michaels, stressing that the extensive television ad campaign familiarized Americans with Liotta as a “father, actor, and ex-smoker” and directly led to the polling surge that secured his place on the debate stage. “What these ads have done for key sections of the electorate is not only boost awareness of Liotta, but also expose voters to his difficulties to quit cold turkey before eventually finding a way to overcome his urge to smoke with Chantix. It’s a message of hope that’s clearly resonating with voters.” At press time, experts suggested the strategy may have backfired after Amy Klobuchar hammered Liotta for pushing a product that can cause changes in behavior, depressed mood, and nausea.

Source link

Continue Reading

Trending