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Public Disapproval Of Iran Approach Convinces Trump To Reverse Soleimani Killing

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WASHINGTON—Backtracking in light of recent polls that indicate public dismay over his handling of Iran, President Trump announced Wednesday he was moving forward with a plan to reverse the killing of top Iranian general Qassem Soleimani. “I have overturned the decision to assassinate Gen. Soleimani and ordered our military to rescind the Jan. 3 drone strike that destroyed his convoy at Baghdad International Airport,” said Trump, who explained the move would revoke Soleimani’s status as a Shiite martyr and decrease the likelihood of the United States being drawn into an unpopular war with Iran. “The U.S. Air Force operation that killed the general was conducted without the consent of Congress and, more significantly, without the backing of the American people. So today our forces in the region will take immediate action to return Soleimani to his family unexploded. This doesn’t mean we won’t take him out in a future operation if surveys indicate a majority of swing-state voters approve of such an action, but for now we will allow him to resume command of the Quds Force.” The president added that he has yet to see any polls that would convince him to retract his October decision to let Turkey kill hundreds of Kurdish civilians in Syria.

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Self-Loathing GOP Congressman Can’t Believe He’s Been Reduced To Defending Necessity Of Public Schools

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Illustration for article titled Self-Loathing GOP Congressman Can’t Believe He’s Been Reduced To Defending Necessity Of Public Schools

WASHINGTON—As the nation falls deeper into the grip of a pandemic that has forced compromises upon his most cherished principles, a self-loathing Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN) acknowledged Friday he could not believe he had been reduced to defending the necessity of public schools in a civil society. “I hear these words coming out of my mouth, these requests for more federal dollars so public schools can reopen, and I wonder, ‘My God, what have I become?’” said Alexander, who wondered aloud whether he might still be able to console himself by diverting money from lunch programs and using it to build more charter schools. “I can barely recognize myself anymore, this man who goes on television and talks about how a return to normalcy in American life depends upon increasing funds to public schools and ensuring they have everything they need to succeed. Ugh, how has it come to this? Has the half century I’ve spent in politics been a complete waste?” At press time, Alexander had reportedly cheered himself up by thinking about all the public school teachers and staff whose health would be threatened by reopening too soon.

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Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary

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Illustration for article titled Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary

WASHINGTON—Following the progressive challenger’s victory over 16-term incumbent Rep. Eliot Engel (D-NY), House Speaker Nancy Pelosi phoned Jamaal Bowman to scold him for winning his primary race, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I just wanted to call and personally reprimand you for your victory,” said Pelosi, extending her sincerest indignation to the former Bronx middle school educator, who is expected to easily win the general election in his heavily Democratic congressional district. “I understand there are some mail-in ballots that still need to be counted, but it appears you won big last night and energized a lot of first-time voters and young people we absolutely did not want voting in this primary. So allow me to extend my sincerest fuck-you for everything you’ve done. Obviously, we’re going to be working together soon, so I look forward to crushing you the first chance I get.” Pelosi added that when things became official in November, she would call again to express how frustrated she was to welcome Bowman to Congress.

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Trump Claims Responsibility For Longest Black History Month In 4 Years

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Trump Claims Responsibility For Longest Black History Month In 4 Years

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