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‘Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez,’ Says Eric Trump After Accidentally Bringing Father’s Sexual Assault Victims To RNC

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Illustration for article titled ‘Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez,’ Says Eric Trump After Accidentally Bringing Father’s Sexual Assault Victims To RNC

CHARLOTTE, NC—Rocking from one foot to another while fanning his fingers in anxiety, Eric Trump was overheard saying “Oh jeez, oh jeez, oh jeez” Tuesday after accidentally bringing all of his father’s sexual assault victims to the Republican National Convention. “Shoot, shoot, shoot, I remembered we did something like this in 2016 and I thought everyone was going to be so excited that I did it again, but I messed up and now they’re all gonna be mad,” said the president’s second-eldest son between sobs, tugging on the jacket sleeve of Stephen Miller as he begged him to do something. “Come on, come on, we need to get them off the stage, but there’s so many of them! You gotta fix it! Oh no, oh no, Dad’s gonna yell at me and he’s not gonna let me give any more cool speeches and I’m gonna have to just stay in New York and run the business. Why can’t I ever do anything right?” At press time, a smiling Miller assured Eric Trump that no one watching the convention was even remotely concerned about the president’s history of sexual assault.

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‘I’ll Rule You Peasants With An Iron Fist,’ Says Bloomberg To Standing Ovation During DNC Debate

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Illustration for article titled ‘I’ll Rule You Peasants With An Iron Fist,’ Says Bloomberg To Standing Ovation During DNC Debate

LAS VEGAS—In a demonstration of the high level of enthusiasm the former New York City mayor enjoys among the electorate, surging presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg was met with a standing ovation during the Democratic debate Wednesday as he promised to “rule you peasants with an iron fist.” “Kneel before me and tremble, you piteous wretches, for I am your new sovereign ruler and my will is infallible,” said Bloomberg, cutting into his rivals’ speaking time as his pledge to “vanquish my enemies and reward my supplicants” was met with thunderous applause by thousands of assembled audience members. “You peons, you mean as little to me as a clump of dirt to a mighty mountain, and I’ll step on the necks of every last one of you on my quest for greater and greater power. Gaze upon your new God and fear my capricious wrath.” At press time, the audience had broken out into chants of “Bloomberg! Bloomberg!” as armed guards emerged from the exits to indiscriminately beat them with batons.

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Chuck Todd Reminds Candidates That If They Want More Time To Speak There Are Melee Weapons Under Each Of Their Lecterns

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Chuck Todd Reminds Candidates That If They Want More Time To Speak There Are Melee Weapons Under Each Of Their Lecterns

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Increased Airtime Of Chantix Commercials Results In Ray Liotta Qualifying For Democratic Debate

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Illustration for article titled Increased Airtime Of Chantix Commercials Results In Ray Liotta Qualifying For Democratic Debate

LAS VEGAS—In a powerful testament to the role television advertising still plays in driving national polls, increased airtime of commercials for tobacco cessation aid Chantix led to celebrity spokesperson Ray Liotta qualifying for Wednesday night’s Democratic Debate. “Chantix has made some especially aggressive ad purchases in recent months that helped spread the word about Ray Liotta and his struggle to find a stop-smoking aid that works for him,” said polling expert Kevin Michaels, stressing that the extensive television ad campaign familiarized Americans with Liotta as a “father, actor, and ex-smoker” and directly led to the polling surge that secured his place on the debate stage. “What these ads have done for key sections of the electorate is not only boost awareness of Liotta, but also expose voters to his difficulties to quit cold turkey before eventually finding a way to overcome his urge to smoke with Chantix. It’s a message of hope that’s clearly resonating with voters.” At press time, experts suggested the strategy may have backfired after Amy Klobuchar hammered Liotta for pushing a product that can cause changes in behavior, depressed mood, and nausea.

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