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Nancy Pelosi Planning To Reenergize House By Injecting Self With Blood Of Young Representatives

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Illustration for article titled Nancy Pelosi Planning To Reenergize House By Injecting Self With Blood Of Young Representativesem/em

WASHINGTON—Expressing her excitement at the influx of newly elected progressives in Congress, Nancy Pelosi told reporters Wednesday of her plans to reenergize the House of Representatives by injecting herself with the blood of her party’s young members. “I’m really looking forward to improving the vitality of our caucus by spending lots of time with these new representatives as I slowly drain the blood from their shackled, unconscious bodies and then inject the precious liquid into my own veins,” said the current House minority leader, her eyes going completely black as she voiced her appreciation for the diverse wave of African American, Latino, Native American, and Muslim representatives, as well as for the “exquisite cocktail” of invigorating nutrients their blood would provide. “America sent a powerful message when they voted to send fresh blood to Capitol Hill, and I have heard them loud and clear. We’ve already collected 27 liters of plasma, and I pledge to use every last drop of it to renew my life force so that I can remain the top-ranking Democrat until 2075.” At press time, sources confirmed a newly spry Pelosi was on all fours frantically scrambling around the ceiling of the Capitol rotunda.

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Politics

Key House Races To Watch

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Many of the 435 U.S. House of Representatives midterm races are currently polling as toss-ups, with Democrats needing to win at least 24 extra seats to take back the House. The Onion takes a look at the key House races to watch in the midterms.


Andy Barr vs. Amy McGrath (Kentucky’s Sixth District):

Democrat McGrath, the first woman to fly F-18 combat missions for the Marine Corps, is somehow in a tight race with incumbent Republican Andy Barr, who has never even once killed for his country.


Erik Paulsen vs. Dean Phillips (Minnesota’s Third District):

Incumbent Republican Paulsen has been notably critical of Donald Trump and wrote in Marco Rubio for president in 2016, though it’s unclear why he thinks that’s something to be proud of.


Mimi Walters vs. Katie Porter (California’s 45th District):

Democrat Porter is challenging incumbent Republican Walters on an unapologetically progressive message that will serve as the final, irrefutable test of whether a left-wing platform can resonate with voters.


Carol Miller vs. Richard Ojeda (West Virginia’s Third District):

All Republican Miller needs to do to beat Democrat Ojeda is convince voters how fucking awesome it will be to have a bison farmer as their representative.


Guy You’re Pretty Sure Is The Incumbent vs. Guy You’re Pretty Sure Is The Challenger (Your District):

Look, you’ll figure this out for sure before Election Day, okay? It’s been a busy few months.


John Faso v. Antonio Delgado (New York’s 19th District):

Republicans in this race are experimenting with the novel strategy of trying to appeal to voters who may be uncomfortable with the Democratic candidate’s ethnicity.


Dave Brat vs. Abigail Spanberger (Virginia’s Seventh District):

Democrats hope to stave off the challenge by the former federal law enforcement officer and CIA operative funded by real estate interests who…wait, that’s the Democrat? Christ. Why are they so bad at this?


Tom MacArthur vs. Andrew Kim (New Jersey’s Third District):

Over 1,900 residents have already been hospitalized for respiratory issues and second-degree chemical burns resulting from Democrat Kim’s efforts to turn the district blue.


John Culberson vs. Lizzie Pannill Fletcher (Texas’ Seventh District):

One of a number of thrilling, nail-biter races across the country that will likely come down to whether Trump happens to say something especially morally reprehensible within 24 hours of Election Day.

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Political Scientists Trace American Democracy’s Severe Polarization To Fucking Idiots On Other Side Of Aisle

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Illustration for article titled Political Scientists Trace American Democracy’s Severe Polarization To Fucking Idiots On Other Side Of Aisleem/em

DURHAM, NH—Blaming those with a differing worldview for sowing rampant discord in society, political scientists at the University of New Hampshire announced Wednesday they had traced the current polarization in American democracy to those fucking idiots on the other side of the aisle. “The analysis we conducted indicates the growing divide in political attitudes has been entirely caused by those dipshits in the other party,” said Dr. Stanley Pomeroy, adding that all these goddamn slobbering imbeciles and the biased media outlets they call news are primary drivers of the nation’s movement toward ideological extremes. “Our research clearly shows that ignorant assholes on the opposing side who never leave their personal echo chambers make the political sphere more contentious by continually spouting off stupid fucking opinions about issues they don’t even understand. Until these shit-for-brains voters stop casting their ballots for the wrong party, it’s unlikely things will get any better.” At press time, Pomeroy stressed that the only way to reverse the troubling effects of polarization was for the dumbfucks on the other side to disregard all their life experiences and change everything about the way they think.

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Poll Finds 2018 Midterms Resting On Critical Swing Group Of People Who Showed Up Looking For Community Center Pottery Class

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Illustration for article titled Poll Finds 2018 Midterms Resting On Critical Swing Group Of People Who Showed Up Looking For Community Center Pottery Classem/em

WEST LONG BRANCH, NJ—Noting that the notoriously hard-to-predict voting bloc will be critical to success on election day, a Monmouth University poll released Thursday found that the 2018 midterms will likely be decided by Americans who arrive at the community center looking for a pottery class. “Data from past elections clearly indicate that approximately 25 percent of midterm voters initially show up at elementary schools, churches, or community centers in order to participate in adult education classes,” said lead researcher Matthew Ellis, noting that these voters generally trend older, are more likely to be financially secure, and share a moderate to serious interest in expanding their wheel throwing skills. “The balance of power in the House, and perhaps the Senate, will likely come down to how many people arrive at their polling place looking for real-world answers about glazing techniques. These are voters who want to know: Is my instructor sick? Why is the gym full of folding tables? Am I going to be able to make my coffee mug next week? Whichever party can give them the answers they need is going to have a really great night.” Ellis acknowledged that turnout among the notoriously unpredictable prenatal yoga demographic would be election night’s biggest question mark.

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