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Nancy Pelosi Assures Democratic Reps They Don’t Need To Try Being Productive During Stressful Pandemic

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Illustration for article titled Nancy Pelosi Assures Democratic Reps They Don’t Need To Try Being Productive During Stressful Pandemic

WASHINGTON—Encouraging lawmakers to avoid holding themselves to the impossible standard of protecting Americans, Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) assured Democratic House representatives Wednesday they don’t need to try being productive during the stressful pandemic. “These uncertain times are difficult for everyone, so don’t feel like you need to push yourself to constantly come up with detailed plans to avert a new depression,” said Pelosi, insisting that House Democrats should tune out the nagging voice of constituents pressuring them to ease mass suffering by enacting essential social safety measures before it’s too late. “Don’t create a bunch of tension in your life by attempting to secure aid to unemployed Americans struggling to pay for basic necessities. Supporting workers is not going to happen anyway, so don’t get all stressed. Look, this is not the time to beat yourself up over whether you’re doing enough to prevent a cataclysmic economic decline. Take a breather. Sometimes it’s better to just plop down on the couch and watch movies all day.” At press time, Pelosi emphasized there would be plenty of time to work on enacting legislation after the pandemic was finished cratering every aspect of American life.

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Increased Airtime Of Chantix Commercials Results In Ray Liotta Qualifying For Democratic Debate

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Illustration for article titled Increased Airtime Of Chantix Commercials Results In Ray Liotta Qualifying For Democratic Debate

LAS VEGAS—In a powerful testament to the role television advertising still plays in driving national polls, increased airtime of commercials for tobacco cessation aid Chantix led to celebrity spokesperson Ray Liotta qualifying for Wednesday night’s Democratic Debate. “Chantix has made some especially aggressive ad purchases in recent months that helped spread the word about Ray Liotta and his struggle to find a stop-smoking aid that works for him,” said polling expert Kevin Michaels, stressing that the extensive television ad campaign familiarized Americans with Liotta as a “father, actor, and ex-smoker” and directly led to the polling surge that secured his place on the debate stage. “What these ads have done for key sections of the electorate is not only boost awareness of Liotta, but also expose voters to his difficulties to quit cold turkey before eventually finding a way to overcome his urge to smoke with Chantix. It’s a message of hope that’s clearly resonating with voters.” At press time, experts suggested the strategy may have backfired after Amy Klobuchar hammered Liotta for pushing a product that can cause changes in behavior, depressed mood, and nausea.

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Stephen Miller Spends Entire Honeymoon In Hotel Room Calling ICE On Cleaning Staff

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Stephen Miller Spends Entire Honeymoon In Hotel Room Calling ICE On Cleaning Staff

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‘Four Quarts Make A Gallon. The Frontal Lobe Controls Decision Making. The Ottoman Empire Dissolved In 1922,” Says Amy Klobuchar, Continuing To Name Trivia Facts Hours After Debate Ends

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‘Four Quarts Make A Gallon. The Frontal Lobe Controls Decision Making. The Ottoman Empire Dissolved In 1922,” Says Amy Klobuchar, Continuing To Name Trivia Facts Hours After Debate Ends

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