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Kushner Announces Doctors HATE Him After He Discovered One Weird Trick To CURE Coronavirus

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Illustration for article titled Kushner Announces Doctors HATE Him After He Discovered One Weird Trick To CURE Coronavirus

WASHINGTON—In an official White House press release as the administration’s leading advisor on the viral pandemic, Jared Kushner announced Friday that doctors HATE him after he discovered one weird trick that will CURE coronavirus. “Doctors DON’T want you to know this, but you can DESTROY coronavirus FROM HOME in under 24 hours with this one simple method!!!!” read Kushner’s statement in part, advising all U.S. citizens to visit the website www.KushCures.gov NOW to experience the 100% effective coronavirus CURE discovered by a DAD. “My quick and easy coronavirus solution is helping families everywhere! To learn more, send $100 to the CDC to Find Out Now why Doctors HATE it but Moms LOVE it! Medical experts everywhere were STUMPED by the coronavirus, and they IGNORED me just because I didn’t have a doctor license, but they just don’t want you to know about this AMAZING LIFE HACK that will ensure you never have to visit your hospital for coronavirus—ever again! Plus, not only is my 30-second MIRACLE CURE completely effective at ERADICATING coronavirus, it will also help you Lose Up To 5 Pounds Of Belly Fat—and KEEP IT OFF!!!” Kushner’s official press release reportedly concluded with an exclusive limited-time offer to buy an iPad from the government for under $24.

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Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary

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Illustration for article titled Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary

WASHINGTON—Following the progressive challenger’s victory over 16-term incumbent Rep. Eliot Engel (D-NY), House Speaker Nancy Pelosi phoned Jamaal Bowman to scold him for winning his primary race, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I just wanted to call and personally reprimand you for your victory,” said Pelosi, extending her sincerest indignation to the former Bronx middle school educator, who is expected to easily win the general election in his heavily Democratic congressional district. “I understand there are some mail-in ballots that still need to be counted, but it appears you won big last night and energized a lot of first-time voters and young people we absolutely did not want voting in this primary. So allow me to extend my sincerest fuck-you for everything you’ve done. Obviously, we’re going to be working together soon, so I look forward to crushing you the first chance I get.” Pelosi added that when things became official in November, she would call again to express how frustrated she was to welcome Bowman to Congress.

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Trump Claims Responsibility For Longest Black History Month In 4 Years

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Trump Claims Responsibility For Longest Black History Month In 4 Years

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Damning New Footage Shows Sanders In 1980s Arguing Madonna Could Never Make Transition From Music To Film

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Illustration for article titled Damning New Footage Shows Sanders In 1980s Arguing Madonna Could Never Make Transition From Music To Film

NEW YORK—In a video from late 1984 that was circulating online Friday and could severely damage his bid for the presidency, Bernie Sanders can be heard openly questioning whether Madonna was likely to succeed in the transition from making records to acting in major motion pictures. “Look, she’s an undeniable pop sensation with a promising string of top-20 hits to her credit, but let me tell you something: There’s no guarantee that kind of talent is going to translate to the silver screen,” Sanders, then mayor of Burlington, VT, says in a local public-access broadcast in which he clearly exhibits short-sightedness in his failure to anticipate the undeniable success the Material Girl would achieve in box-office smashes such as A League Of Their Own and Evita. “Madonna should stick to music. People love this Like A Virgin album, it’s a lot of fun to dance to, and she needs to build on its success. Taking time away from that to focus on what are sure to be small, insubstantial roles in lackluster films? That’s career suicide.” Reminded by reporters that Madonna had won acclaim for her role in Desperately Seeking Susan just a few months after his videotaped remarks, a visibly angry Sanders argued that Rosanna Arquette had carried that entire film and anyone who said otherwise didn’t know “a goddamn thing” about acting.

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