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Key Senate Races To Watch

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Illustration for article titled Midterms 2018: Key Senate Races To Watchem/em

There are 35 Senate seats up for reelection in the 2018 midterms, most of which are currently held by Democrats, while the Republicans are trying to hold onto their two-seat majority. The Onion takes a look at the key Senate 2018 races to watch.


Ted Cruz vs. Beto O’Rourke (Texas):

Have Democrats finally found the perfect foil for Ted Cruz in young longshot candidate Guy Who Is Not Ted Cruz?


Dean Heller vs. Jacky Rosen (Nevada):

As the only Republican incumbent facing reelection in a state won by Hillary Clinton, Heller has the unique opportunity to demonstrate just how bad Democrats are at winning elections.


Martha McSally vs. Kyrsten Sinema (Arizona):

Whether they want to or not, Arizona’s getting their first female senator.


Kevin Cramer vs. Heidi Heitkamp (North Dakota):

Heitkamp is trying to convince North Dakota voters she’s the type of “cool” Democrat who’s still totally down to ease banking regulations once in a while.


Lawrence Zupan vs. Bernie Sanders (Vermont):

Lawrence is gonna do the best he can, okay?


Patrick Morrissey vs. Joe Manchin (West Virginia):

Manchin hopes to retain his seat by touting his Democratic Party bona fides of how many past political stances he’s distanced himself from.


Josh Hawley vs. Claire McCaskill (Missouri):

Republican challenger Hawley vowed that his commitment to states’ rights extends to continuing to fight for Missouri after the United States is formally dissolved.


Marsha Blackburn vs. Phil Bredesen (Tennessee):

Ah shit, which one did Taylor Swift endorse again?


Rick Scott vs. Bill Nelson (Florida):

It’s the Republican governor versus the Democratic incumbent to determine who gets to represent what’s left of Florida in Congress.

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House Democrats Move To Impeach Biden To Prove They’d Comply If Situation Were Reversed

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House Democrats Move To Impeach Biden To Prove They’d Comply If Situation Were Reversed

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‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack

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Illustration for article titled ‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Informing the judge that he had definitive proof of voter fraud against Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani reportedly announced Thursday in court “Your honor, I’m ready to present” as he pulled a rotted melon and a stray cat out of an old burlap sack. “Give me a second and I’ll show you hard evidence that there are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of mail-ballot irregularities, it’s somewhere in here under all these pizzas and teeth,” said the president’s lawyer, rummaging through a large, stained canvas bag, discarding multiple grease-coated catalogs, dozens of half-eaten chicken tenders, and a mason jar containing a murky brown liquid, then holding up what he believed to be damning reports that turned out to be a soaking-wet tarp. “Hang on, your honor. As you’ll soon see, there are all kinds of testimonies and other documents proving definitively that officials knowingly engaged in—no, not this, how did this bath towel get in here? Whose bath towel is this? Objection! Now listen, judge your honor, it’s as clear as the evidence that I’ve written on the back of these cheeseburger wrappers, which if the ketchup writing wasn’t so smeared would clearly evidence fraud to the jury. No matter, though, because I’m smart and I made careful backup ketchup copies of the fraud on some gloves, which are legally admissible in court, as soon as I find them. Just a moment. Now where are my potato peels? Sirs of the jury, I submit here for legal questioning and subsequent arrest and execution whichever culprit took my potato peels. I have probable cause! Those are top-secret pieces of information that have client-attorney permission. Do not look at the potato peels! If the potato peels have been stolen, well that’s witness tampering right there, which means that Trump’s case is automatically won on the grounds of appellate dismissal. That’s all very legal. But first I submit these hockey pucks, and if you ignore the bite marks, it’s unmistakable that they—wait, excuse me, these are the wrong hockey pucks. Objection! The election is a fraud and I have the plastic bags of wet leaves to prove it!” At press time, Giuliani had confidently stated “No further questions, I rest my case” and sat chewing the melon rinds, spitting the seeds onto the prosecution’s table.

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Supreme Court Strikes Down Obama’s Personal Health Insurance Policy

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Illustration for article titled Supreme Court Strikes Down Obama’s Personal Health Insurance Policy

WASHINGTON—In a 5-4 decision that shocked legal experts across the nation, the Supreme Court made waves Thursday when it struck down former president Barack Obama’s personal health insurance policy. “The court holds that Barack Obama’s use of an HMO to provide health coverage for himself, his wife Michelle, and his daughters Sasha and Malia, is in blatant violation of the Ninth Amendment,” said Chief Justice Roberts, who added that existing coverage for all other Americans would remain unaffected except for the former president and the first family. “Henceforth, all African American men who were the 44th president of the United States will be stripped of coverage, including medical, prescription, and dental. Congress has no authority to reinstate these plans, or allow Barack Obama to purchase health insurance through a PPO, EPO, POS, or other means.” At press time, dissenting Justice Sotomayor protested, adding that such a precedent could open the doors to allowing the Supreme Court to strip 39th U.S. president Jimmy Carter of his personal health insurance.

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