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Increasingly Unhinged Centrists Announce Plan To Round Up Nation Into Camps To Force Them To Engage In Meaningful Dialogue

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Illustration for article titled Increasingly Unhinged Centrists Announce Plan To Round Up Nation Into Camps To Force Them To Engage In Meaningful Dialogue

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they were forced to take more radical measures to ensure the success of their moderate political platform, increasingly unhinged U.S. centrists announced Monday their plan to round up the nation’s populace into camps to force them to engage in meaningful dialogue. “As more Americans adopt left-wing or right-wing views, compromise to a moderate position will require more drastic action, which is why we’ve decided to herd every last American into trains and bring them to camps encircled in barbed wire where they will be forced to discuss their views at gunpoint,” said a wild-eyed Leland Welsh, spokesperson for the centrist think tank Third Way, which was behind the funding of the large open-air detention center where divided Americans would be forced to shake hands until their palms bled and go without food and water until they had agreed to understand and embrace the positions of their political opponents. “We believe that all Americans possess the capacity to find a middle ground on every single issue, which is why we’re going to force their eyes open to read opinion pieces by their political adversaries, make them listen to speeches by Hillary Clinton and Mitt Romney blaring on loudspeakers 24 hours a day, and compel them to remain standing for long periods of time while our guards scream ‘We can all get along!’ In these camps, expressions of animosity toward another inmate’s belief system, or uttering anything besides the phrase ‘But that’s just my opinion, and I’d love to hear yours’ will be punishable by death. We will stop at nothing to ensure that all Americans hold the exact same centrist belief system.” The visibly crazed political centrists added that if the camps were unable to force any Americans to find common ground with one another, they would sell them in new slave markets to a company that would.

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House Democrats Move To Impeach Biden To Prove They’d Comply If Situation Were Reversed

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House Democrats Move To Impeach Biden To Prove They’d Comply If Situation Were Reversed

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‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack

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Illustration for article titled ‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Informing the judge that he had definitive proof of voter fraud against Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani reportedly announced Thursday in court “Your honor, I’m ready to present” as he pulled a rotted melon and a stray cat out of an old burlap sack. “Give me a second and I’ll show you hard evidence that there are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of mail-ballot irregularities, it’s somewhere in here under all these pizzas and teeth,” said the president’s lawyer, rummaging through a large, stained canvas bag, discarding multiple grease-coated catalogs, dozens of half-eaten chicken tenders, and a mason jar containing a murky brown liquid, then holding up what he believed to be damning reports that turned out to be a soaking-wet tarp. “Hang on, your honor. As you’ll soon see, there are all kinds of testimonies and other documents proving definitively that officials knowingly engaged in—no, not this, how did this bath towel get in here? Whose bath towel is this? Objection! Now listen, judge your honor, it’s as clear as the evidence that I’ve written on the back of these cheeseburger wrappers, which if the ketchup writing wasn’t so smeared would clearly evidence fraud to the jury. No matter, though, because I’m smart and I made careful backup ketchup copies of the fraud on some gloves, which are legally admissible in court, as soon as I find them. Just a moment. Now where are my potato peels? Sirs of the jury, I submit here for legal questioning and subsequent arrest and execution whichever culprit took my potato peels. I have probable cause! Those are top-secret pieces of information that have client-attorney permission. Do not look at the potato peels! If the potato peels have been stolen, well that’s witness tampering right there, which means that Trump’s case is automatically won on the grounds of appellate dismissal. That’s all very legal. But first I submit these hockey pucks, and if you ignore the bite marks, it’s unmistakable that they—wait, excuse me, these are the wrong hockey pucks. Objection! The election is a fraud and I have the plastic bags of wet leaves to prove it!” At press time, Giuliani had confidently stated “No further questions, I rest my case” and sat chewing the melon rinds, spitting the seeds onto the prosecution’s table.

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Supreme Court Strikes Down Obama’s Personal Health Insurance Policy

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Illustration for article titled Supreme Court Strikes Down Obama’s Personal Health Insurance Policy

WASHINGTON—In a 5-4 decision that shocked legal experts across the nation, the Supreme Court made waves Thursday when it struck down former president Barack Obama’s personal health insurance policy. “The court holds that Barack Obama’s use of an HMO to provide health coverage for himself, his wife Michelle, and his daughters Sasha and Malia, is in blatant violation of the Ninth Amendment,” said Chief Justice Roberts, who added that existing coverage for all other Americans would remain unaffected except for the former president and the first family. “Henceforth, all African American men who were the 44th president of the United States will be stripped of coverage, including medical, prescription, and dental. Congress has no authority to reinstate these plans, or allow Barack Obama to purchase health insurance through a PPO, EPO, POS, or other means.” At press time, dissenting Justice Sotomayor protested, adding that such a precedent could open the doors to allowing the Supreme Court to strip 39th U.S. president Jimmy Carter of his personal health insurance.

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