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‘I’ll Rule You Peasants With An Iron Fist,’ Says Bloomberg To Standing Ovation During DNC Debate

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Illustration for article titled ‘I’ll Rule You Peasants With An Iron Fist,’ Says Bloomberg To Standing Ovation During DNC Debate

LAS VEGAS—In a demonstration of the high level of enthusiasm the former New York City mayor enjoys among the electorate, surging presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg was met with a standing ovation during the Democratic debate Wednesday as he promised to “rule you peasants with an iron fist.” “Kneel before me and tremble, you piteous wretches, for I am your new sovereign ruler and my will is infallible,” said Bloomberg, cutting into his rivals’ speaking time as his pledge to “vanquish my enemies and reward my supplicants” was met with thunderous applause by thousands of assembled audience members. “You peons, you mean as little to me as a clump of dirt to a mighty mountain, and I’ll step on the necks of every last one of you on my quest for greater and greater power. Gaze upon your new God and fear my capricious wrath.” At press time, the audience had broken out into chants of “Bloomberg! Bloomberg!” as armed guards emerged from the exits to indiscriminately beat them with batons.

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Politics

Key House Races To Watch

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Illustration for article titled Midterms 2018: Key House Races To Watchem/em

Many of the 435 U.S. House of Representatives midterm races are currently polling as toss-ups, with Democrats needing to win at least 24 extra seats to take back the House. The Onion takes a look at the key House races to watch in the midterms.


Andy Barr vs. Amy McGrath (Kentucky’s Sixth District):

Democrat McGrath, the first woman to fly F-18 combat missions for the Marine Corps, is somehow in a tight race with incumbent Republican Andy Barr, who has never even once killed for his country.


Erik Paulsen vs. Dean Phillips (Minnesota’s Third District):

Incumbent Republican Paulsen has been notably critical of Donald Trump and wrote in Marco Rubio for president in 2016, though it’s unclear why he thinks that’s something to be proud of.


Mimi Walters vs. Katie Porter (California’s 45th District):

Democrat Porter is challenging incumbent Republican Walters on an unapologetically progressive message that will serve as the final, irrefutable test of whether a left-wing platform can resonate with voters.


Carol Miller vs. Richard Ojeda (West Virginia’s Third District):

All Republican Miller needs to do to beat Democrat Ojeda is convince voters how fucking awesome it will be to have a bison farmer as their representative.


Guy You’re Pretty Sure Is The Incumbent vs. Guy You’re Pretty Sure Is The Challenger (Your District):

Look, you’ll figure this out for sure before Election Day, okay? It’s been a busy few months.


John Faso v. Antonio Delgado (New York’s 19th District):

Republicans in this race are experimenting with the novel strategy of trying to appeal to voters who may be uncomfortable with the Democratic candidate’s ethnicity.


Dave Brat vs. Abigail Spanberger (Virginia’s Seventh District):

Democrats hope to stave off the challenge by the former federal law enforcement officer and CIA operative funded by real estate interests who…wait, that’s the Democrat? Christ. Why are they so bad at this?


Tom MacArthur vs. Andrew Kim (New Jersey’s Third District):

Over 1,900 residents have already been hospitalized for respiratory issues and second-degree chemical burns resulting from Democrat Kim’s efforts to turn the district blue.


John Culberson vs. Lizzie Pannill Fletcher (Texas’ Seventh District):

One of a number of thrilling, nail-biter races across the country that will likely come down to whether Trump happens to say something especially morally reprehensible within 24 hours of Election Day.

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Political Scientists Trace American Democracy’s Severe Polarization To Fucking Idiots On Other Side Of Aisle

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Illustration for article titled Political Scientists Trace American Democracy’s Severe Polarization To Fucking Idiots On Other Side Of Aisleem/em

DURHAM, NH—Blaming those with a differing worldview for sowing rampant discord in society, political scientists at the University of New Hampshire announced Wednesday they had traced the current polarization in American democracy to those fucking idiots on the other side of the aisle. “The analysis we conducted indicates the growing divide in political attitudes has been entirely caused by those dipshits in the other party,” said Dr. Stanley Pomeroy, adding that all these goddamn slobbering imbeciles and the biased media outlets they call news are primary drivers of the nation’s movement toward ideological extremes. “Our research clearly shows that ignorant assholes on the opposing side who never leave their personal echo chambers make the political sphere more contentious by continually spouting off stupid fucking opinions about issues they don’t even understand. Until these shit-for-brains voters stop casting their ballots for the wrong party, it’s unlikely things will get any better.” At press time, Pomeroy stressed that the only way to reverse the troubling effects of polarization was for the dumbfucks on the other side to disregard all their life experiences and change everything about the way they think.

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Poll Finds 2018 Midterms Resting On Critical Swing Group Of People Who Showed Up Looking For Community Center Pottery Class

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Illustration for article titled Poll Finds 2018 Midterms Resting On Critical Swing Group Of People Who Showed Up Looking For Community Center Pottery Classem/em

WEST LONG BRANCH, NJ—Noting that the notoriously hard-to-predict voting bloc will be critical to success on election day, a Monmouth University poll released Thursday found that the 2018 midterms will likely be decided by Americans who arrive at the community center looking for a pottery class. “Data from past elections clearly indicate that approximately 25 percent of midterm voters initially show up at elementary schools, churches, or community centers in order to participate in adult education classes,” said lead researcher Matthew Ellis, noting that these voters generally trend older, are more likely to be financially secure, and share a moderate to serious interest in expanding their wheel throwing skills. “The balance of power in the House, and perhaps the Senate, will likely come down to how many people arrive at their polling place looking for real-world answers about glazing techniques. These are voters who want to know: Is my instructor sick? Why is the gym full of folding tables? Am I going to be able to make my coffee mug next week? Whichever party can give them the answers they need is going to have a really great night.” Ellis acknowledged that turnout among the notoriously unpredictable prenatal yoga demographic would be election night’s biggest question mark.

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