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Hillary Launches Campaign To Raise $100 Million Or Else She’ll Run For President

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Illustration for article titled Hillary Launches Campaign To Raise $100 Million Or Else She’ll Run For Presidentem/em

CHAPPAQUA, NY—In a press conference announcing her plans for the 2020 election, Hillary Clinton told reporters she is launching a campaign Tuesday that will raise $100 million by the end of the year or else she will run for president. “I’m very excited to roll out my initiative to secure this full amount within seven weeks, and if it is not successful—let me be very clear on this—I will once more fill out the paperwork to run for president and submit it to the Federal Election Commission,” said Clinton, who stressed that she was “absolutely serious” about her new A Hundred Million Or Me campaign, describing the town halls and candidate meet-and-greets she would soon begin holding in Iowa and New Hampshire if donors came up even a penny short. “What I’m asking you to do is picture—and picture very vividly—the following things: Lawns plastered with ‘I’m With Her In 2020’ signs, continuous television ads showcasing my strenuous attempts to appear enthusiastic, entire news cycles once more given over to my use of a private email server as secretary of state. That’s one possibility. The other is you give me $100 million. Up to you.” At press time, sources confirmed Clinton had raised $17.6 billion in the first 45 seconds of the campaign.

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House Democrats Move To Impeach Biden To Prove They’d Comply If Situation Were Reversed

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House Democrats Move To Impeach Biden To Prove They’d Comply If Situation Were Reversed

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‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack

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Illustration for article titled ‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Informing the judge that he had definitive proof of voter fraud against Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani reportedly announced Thursday in court “Your honor, I’m ready to present” as he pulled a rotted melon and a stray cat out of an old burlap sack. “Give me a second and I’ll show you hard evidence that there are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of mail-ballot irregularities, it’s somewhere in here under all these pizzas and teeth,” said the president’s lawyer, rummaging through a large, stained canvas bag, discarding multiple grease-coated catalogs, dozens of half-eaten chicken tenders, and a mason jar containing a murky brown liquid, then holding up what he believed to be damning reports that turned out to be a soaking-wet tarp. “Hang on, your honor. As you’ll soon see, there are all kinds of testimonies and other documents proving definitively that officials knowingly engaged in—no, not this, how did this bath towel get in here? Whose bath towel is this? Objection! Now listen, judge your honor, it’s as clear as the evidence that I’ve written on the back of these cheeseburger wrappers, which if the ketchup writing wasn’t so smeared would clearly evidence fraud to the jury. No matter, though, because I’m smart and I made careful backup ketchup copies of the fraud on some gloves, which are legally admissible in court, as soon as I find them. Just a moment. Now where are my potato peels? Sirs of the jury, I submit here for legal questioning and subsequent arrest and execution whichever culprit took my potato peels. I have probable cause! Those are top-secret pieces of information that have client-attorney permission. Do not look at the potato peels! If the potato peels have been stolen, well that’s witness tampering right there, which means that Trump’s case is automatically won on the grounds of appellate dismissal. That’s all very legal. But first I submit these hockey pucks, and if you ignore the bite marks, it’s unmistakable that they—wait, excuse me, these are the wrong hockey pucks. Objection! The election is a fraud and I have the plastic bags of wet leaves to prove it!” At press time, Giuliani had confidently stated “No further questions, I rest my case” and sat chewing the melon rinds, spitting the seeds onto the prosecution’s table.

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Supreme Court Strikes Down Obama’s Personal Health Insurance Policy

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Illustration for article titled Supreme Court Strikes Down Obama’s Personal Health Insurance Policy

WASHINGTON—In a 5-4 decision that shocked legal experts across the nation, the Supreme Court made waves Thursday when it struck down former president Barack Obama’s personal health insurance policy. “The court holds that Barack Obama’s use of an HMO to provide health coverage for himself, his wife Michelle, and his daughters Sasha and Malia, is in blatant violation of the Ninth Amendment,” said Chief Justice Roberts, who added that existing coverage for all other Americans would remain unaffected except for the former president and the first family. “Henceforth, all African American men who were the 44th president of the United States will be stripped of coverage, including medical, prescription, and dental. Congress has no authority to reinstate these plans, or allow Barack Obama to purchase health insurance through a PPO, EPO, POS, or other means.” At press time, dissenting Justice Sotomayor protested, adding that such a precedent could open the doors to allowing the Supreme Court to strip 39th U.S. president Jimmy Carter of his personal health insurance.

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