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Highlights Of The 2020 Democratic National Convention

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The 2020 Democratic National Convention concluded Thursday evening after four days of video speeches with the nomination of Joe Biden for president. The Onion looks at the most significant moments from the 2020 Democratic National Convention.


Heartfelt speeches from Democratic Party rising stars including Mike Bloomberg, John Kasich, and Colin Powell.


Biden presented as America’s only option for president by multiple other options.


Successful attainment of 81.4% of diversity and inclusion prerequisites.


Not a single mention of the global helium shortage.


Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez making the most of the 60 syllables she was allotted.


Barack Obama highlights massive responsibility of directing the White House chef, a highly funded chef capable of cooking any meal at any time of day, and how Joe Biden has what it takes to oversee the White House kitchen.


Some pretty solid car commercials.


Bill Clinton touting Biden’s moral character by recounting all the times he decided not to tag along on Jeffrey Epstein’s private jet.


Video featuring Biden’s 2020 competitors sullied by obvious snub of Michael Bennet.


Repeated emphasis on how this election is the same as every other.

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Takeaways From The New Hampshire Primaries

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The New Hampshire presidential primaries took place on February 11, with President Donald Trump seeking reelection and several candidates locked in fierce competition for Democratic delegates. The Onion provides the most important takeaways from the New Hampshire primaries.


Exit polls indicated there at least 283,440 people in New Hampshire.


Suspicious lack of technical difficulties.


Bernie Sanders loses to Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg in key battle for second and third place.


Deval Patrick and Michael Bennet bested by “Other.”


Cold rain and common sense not deterring 154 people from leaving home to vote for Cory Booker.


Buttigieg unable to carry momentum from preemptively declaring victory in Iowa to preemptively declaring victory in other states.


If you ask the bartender at Buffalo Wild Wings to turn on the New Hampshire primaries for you, he’ll give you a look, but he’ll still do it.


Elizabeth Warren struggles to shore up support among people who have made up minds to vote for another candidate.


Tom Steyer had a nice time with his friends.


Vote goes in, gets counted. Simple as that, Iowa.

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Pros And Cons Of Abolishing The Senate

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Established by Article 1 of the U.S. Constitution and first convened in 1789, the Senate has served as the upper chamber of Congress, but as America has grown and populations have shifted, its continued existence as a chamber that gives every state an equal number of representatives has come under scrutiny. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of abolishing the Senate.


PRO

Founders devised Senate several generations before anyone could have even conceived of Oklahoma

Haven’t abolished anything in a while

Senate building could make for some nice new downtown lofts

Could lead to formation of fun new legislative body with cool name like The Assembly or The Council of Elders


CON

Senate serves as a safety valve in case democracy functioning too well

Would be mean after Founding Fathers put so much work into it

Kind of terrifying to think about what Mitch McConnell would get up to in private sector

Derails career track for children of current senators 

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Mike Bloomberg: ‘I Apologize For The Damages My Past Policies Have Caused To The Negro Community’

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Mike Bloomberg: ‘I Apologize For The Damages My Past Policies Have Caused To The Negro Community’

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