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Georgia Election Worker Assures Black Man Ballot Scanner Supposed To Sound Like Shredder

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Illustration for article titled Georgia Election Worker Assures Black Man Ballot Scanner Supposed To Sound Like Shredderem/em

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Insisting that the machine was operating exactly as intended, Georgia election worker Mitchell Hamlin reportedly assured a black man on Tuesday that the ballot scanner was supposed to sound like a shredder. “Don’t you worry, it’s designed to sound like it’s ripping your ballot into thousands of tiny pieces,” the election worker informed the middle-aged African American resident, adding that it was merely a coincidence that several white voters in front of him had been directed to insert their ballots into a different scanner. “You should absolutely be hearing a constant whirring and shredding sound—that’s the machine’s way of telling you that your vote counts. And that bucket below where the ballot scanner is dropping strips of paper? That’s simply the machine producing a receipt so we know it went through to the right place. Congratulations, you definitely voted today.” At press time, Hamlin stated that he could also confirm the man’s registration for the 2020 election if he just handed over his driver’s license.

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House Democrats Move To Impeach Biden To Prove They’d Comply If Situation Were Reversed

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House Democrats Move To Impeach Biden To Prove They’d Comply If Situation Were Reversed

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‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack

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Illustration for article titled ‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Informing the judge that he had definitive proof of voter fraud against Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani reportedly announced Thursday in court “Your honor, I’m ready to present” as he pulled a rotted melon and a stray cat out of an old burlap sack. “Give me a second and I’ll show you hard evidence that there are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of mail-ballot irregularities, it’s somewhere in here under all these pizzas and teeth,” said the president’s lawyer, rummaging through a large, stained canvas bag, discarding multiple grease-coated catalogs, dozens of half-eaten chicken tenders, and a mason jar containing a murky brown liquid, then holding up what he believed to be damning reports that turned out to be a soaking-wet tarp. “Hang on, your honor. As you’ll soon see, there are all kinds of testimonies and other documents proving definitively that officials knowingly engaged in—no, not this, how did this bath towel get in here? Whose bath towel is this? Objection! Now listen, judge your honor, it’s as clear as the evidence that I’ve written on the back of these cheeseburger wrappers, which if the ketchup writing wasn’t so smeared would clearly evidence fraud to the jury. No matter, though, because I’m smart and I made careful backup ketchup copies of the fraud on some gloves, which are legally admissible in court, as soon as I find them. Just a moment. Now where are my potato peels? Sirs of the jury, I submit here for legal questioning and subsequent arrest and execution whichever culprit took my potato peels. I have probable cause! Those are top-secret pieces of information that have client-attorney permission. Do not look at the potato peels! If the potato peels have been stolen, well that’s witness tampering right there, which means that Trump’s case is automatically won on the grounds of appellate dismissal. That’s all very legal. But first I submit these hockey pucks, and if you ignore the bite marks, it’s unmistakable that they—wait, excuse me, these are the wrong hockey pucks. Objection! The election is a fraud and I have the plastic bags of wet leaves to prove it!” At press time, Giuliani had confidently stated “No further questions, I rest my case” and sat chewing the melon rinds, spitting the seeds onto the prosecution’s table.

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Supreme Court Strikes Down Obama’s Personal Health Insurance Policy

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Illustration for article titled Supreme Court Strikes Down Obama’s Personal Health Insurance Policy

WASHINGTON—In a 5-4 decision that shocked legal experts across the nation, the Supreme Court made waves Thursday when it struck down former president Barack Obama’s personal health insurance policy. “The court holds that Barack Obama’s use of an HMO to provide health coverage for himself, his wife Michelle, and his daughters Sasha and Malia, is in blatant violation of the Ninth Amendment,” said Chief Justice Roberts, who added that existing coverage for all other Americans would remain unaffected except for the former president and the first family. “Henceforth, all African American men who were the 44th president of the United States will be stripped of coverage, including medical, prescription, and dental. Congress has no authority to reinstate these plans, or allow Barack Obama to purchase health insurance through a PPO, EPO, POS, or other means.” At press time, dissenting Justice Sotomayor protested, adding that such a precedent could open the doors to allowing the Supreme Court to strip 39th U.S. president Jimmy Carter of his personal health insurance.

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