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Frustrated Bloomberg Staffer Literally Just Aborted Fetus For This Job

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NEW YORK—Expressing her displeasure about the unfortunate timing of her boss dropping out of the presidential primary, Bloomberg staffer Eliza Wilkonson was reportedly frustrated Wednesday that she had literally just aborted a fetus for this job. “God damn it, I wish Mike could have given me a little heads up,” said Wilkonson, confirming her annoyance at having received the news about the former New York mayor suspending his campaign mere minutes after she returned to her office from the abortion clinic. “He’d been dropping hints for weeks about how hard it would be for me to give this job my all if I was distracted with a child, so it would have been nice if he had thought to contact me about his plans before I went to all this trouble. It sucks too because I had been really looking forward to having this kid.” Wilkonson added that she felt especially aggravated knowing that she wouldn’t be able to vent about her situation due to the non-disclosure agreements she’d been forced to sign.

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‘I’ll Rule You Peasants With An Iron Fist,’ Says Bloomberg To Standing Ovation During DNC Debate

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LAS VEGAS—In a demonstration of the high level of enthusiasm the former New York City mayor enjoys among the electorate, surging presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg was met with a standing ovation during the Democratic debate Wednesday as he promised to “rule you peasants with an iron fist.” “Kneel before me and tremble, you piteous wretches, for I am your new sovereign ruler and my will is infallible,” said Bloomberg, cutting into his rivals’ speaking time as his pledge to “vanquish my enemies and reward my supplicants” was met with thunderous applause by thousands of assembled audience members. “You peons, you mean as little to me as a clump of dirt to a mighty mountain, and I’ll step on the necks of every last one of you on my quest for greater and greater power. Gaze upon your new God and fear my capricious wrath.” At press time, the audience had broken out into chants of “Bloomberg! Bloomberg!” as armed guards emerged from the exits to indiscriminately beat them with batons.

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Chuck Todd Reminds Candidates That If They Want More Time To Speak There Are Melee Weapons Under Each Of Their Lecterns

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Chuck Todd Reminds Candidates That If They Want More Time To Speak There Are Melee Weapons Under Each Of Their Lecterns

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Increased Airtime Of Chantix Commercials Results In Ray Liotta Qualifying For Democratic Debate

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Illustration for article titled Increased Airtime Of Chantix Commercials Results In Ray Liotta Qualifying For Democratic Debate

LAS VEGAS—In a powerful testament to the role television advertising still plays in driving national polls, increased airtime of commercials for tobacco cessation aid Chantix led to celebrity spokesperson Ray Liotta qualifying for Wednesday night’s Democratic Debate. “Chantix has made some especially aggressive ad purchases in recent months that helped spread the word about Ray Liotta and his struggle to find a stop-smoking aid that works for him,” said polling expert Kevin Michaels, stressing that the extensive television ad campaign familiarized Americans with Liotta as a “father, actor, and ex-smoker” and directly led to the polling surge that secured his place on the debate stage. “What these ads have done for key sections of the electorate is not only boost awareness of Liotta, but also expose voters to his difficulties to quit cold turkey before eventually finding a way to overcome his urge to smoke with Chantix. It’s a message of hope that’s clearly resonating with voters.” At press time, experts suggested the strategy may have backfired after Amy Klobuchar hammered Liotta for pushing a product that can cause changes in behavior, depressed mood, and nausea.

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