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Fighting Rising Tide Of Authoritarianism Sounds Like A Lot Of Work

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Illustration for article titled Report: Fighting Rising Tide Of Authoritarianism Sounds Like A Lot Of Work

WASHINGTON—Confirming the challenges associated with preserving liberal democracy, the nation’s top political scientists issued a report Friday that found fighting against the rising tide of authoritarianism sounds like a ton of work. “After extensive analysis, we can state with a high degree of certainty that meaningfully resisting the erosion of equality and personal freedoms would probably be super exhausting,” said lead researcher Jeremy Dwyer, warning that stemming the flow of autocratic rule would require a sustained campaign of political pressure over a long period of time that would likely make Americans tired just to think about. “Whether it’s attending protests, campaigning for progressive candidates, or even committing to ethical purchasing habits, our data show that engaging at this level would be a whole thing that could eat up a bunch of time. The majority of American citizens are very sleepy and want to get back to their beds as soon as possible. Plus, this all sounds kind of like a big pain in the ass.” Dwyer added that the report concluded it would be so much easier to simply march in unthinking lockstep to an all-powerful ruler. 

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Ted Cruz Stuck In Nosebleed Seats At Senate Campaign Rally

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Illustration for article titled Ted Cruz Stuck In Nosebleed Seats At Senate Campaign Rallyem/em

HOUSTON—Straining to hear President Trump speak from his vantage point high in the rafters of the Toyota Center, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly complained Monday after being stuck in the nosebleed seats at his campaign rally. “C’mon, I can barely make out what Trump’s talking about,” said Cruz, leaning forward in his seat in section 417 to better see whether the president’s rally appearance in support of him was going well or not. “I think that little speck next to him on the stage is my wife and kids? But back here, who knows? God, I just hope they’re saying good things about me.” At press time, Cruz was spotted being escorted out of the venue by security after attempting to move to a better seat midway through the rally.

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Trump Announces He’ll Pay Legal Fees Of Any Rally Attendee Who Beats Up Ted Cruz

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Illustration for article titled Trump Announces He’ll Pay Legal Fees Of Any Rally Attendee Who Beats Up Ted Cruzem/em

HOUSTON—In an effort to whip up excitement at an event for the Texas senator’s reelection campaign, President Donald Trump announced to the rally crowd Monday that he would pay the legal fees of any attendee who beats up Ted Cruz. “I promise you this, folks—if anybody here knocks the crap out of Ted Cruz, I will pay whatever it costs,” said Trump to raucous cheering from the Toyota Center audience as he demonstrated several moves, including a body slam, a chokehold, and an uppercut punch, that a supporter could use on the one-term senator. “I mean, just look this guy. That’s a real bad dude, folks, and he’s just asking for it. We don’t want this kind of guy here at this rally, believe me. Six figures, seven figures—I don’t care how much. I’ll pay for it. If you want to take a swing at him right now, be my guest.” At press time, Cruz had announced he would match the legal fees Trump donated to anyone who punched him in the face.

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Nation’s Fact-Checkers Confirm They’ll Probably Wrap Up Evaluating Trump’s Statements By 2050 At Latest

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Illustration for article titled Nation’s Fact-Checkers Confirm They’ll Probably Wrap Up Evaluating Trump’s Statements By 2050 At Latestem/em

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they needed time to properly inform the public about instances in which the commander in chief had knowingly made false claims, the nation’s fact-checkers confirmed Tuesday that they’ll probably wrap up evaluating President Trump’s statements by 2050 at the latest. “As we’ve seen numerous times, the president has a tendency to stretch the veracity of objective fact, but we’re confident that we’ll have finished fully assessing the truthfulness of his claims within the next several decades,” said PolitiFact researcher Gregory Wu, stressing that the country’s fact-checkers wanted to take their time and thoroughly vet all declarations made by the president in order to ensure that they could compile a complete list of corrections within the next half century. “We’re working around the clock, which is why we’re currently on pace to finish fact-checking everything President Trump said during his first 100 days in office by the late 2020s. It’s crucial for us to carefully examine every word and phrase in order to determine whether the president is deliberately lying and using false information, or whether he simply misspoke or was taken out of context. By 2050, we expect to have fact-checked every one of President Trump’s public statements, interviews, state speeches, and extemporaneous remarks so that American voters can make an informed decision about the president’s relationship with the truth.” At press time, a new speech at a campaign rally by Trump had forced the fact-checkers to push back their deadline to 2075.

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