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Experts Concerned Pale Russian Mystic Constantly At Trump’s Side May Attempt To Influence 2020 Election

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Illustration for article titled Experts Concerned Pale Russian Mystic Constantly At Trump’s Side May Attempt To Influence 2020 Election

WASHINGTON—Increasingly troubled about the role the self-proclaimed visionary and healer might play in the presidential race, intelligence experts expressed concerns Friday that Volokov Molchalin, the pale Russian mystic constantly at President Donald Trump’s side, may attempt to influence the 2020 election. “While we’re unsure exactly what Volokov is whispering into Trump’s ear—or if it’s a known language at all—it’s the consensus of the intelligence community that he likely intends to meddle in the upcoming election, perhaps by using his self-professed hypnotic powers to sway the American public,” said National Intelligence Director Joseph Maguire, noting that the long-bearded Eastern Orthodox prophet had enjoyed unprecedented access to the Oval Office since laying his hands on the president’s thigh in early June and allegedly curing him of an internal hemorrhage. “What’s more unsettling is that Volokov has only grown more brazen in his attempts to alter the president’s behavior, encouraging Trump to purify himself by self-flagellating, filling the West Wing with frankincense, or repeating occult incantations until his eyes roll back in a mystical trance. We’ve also received reports that Volokov can read minds, which would obviously make any counterintelligence efforts difficult, if not impossible.” At press time, terrified officials had escalated their warnings after a failed assassination attempt in which repeated stabbings, a gunshot wound to the head, and an apparent drowning in the freezing Potomac River failed to end the Russian mystic’s life.

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Politics

Trump Claims He Can Overrule Constitution With Executive Order Because Of Little-Known ‘No One Will Stop Me’ Loophole

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Illustration for article titled Trump Claims He Can Overrule Constitution With Executive Order Because Of Little-Known ‘No One Will Stop Me’ Loopholeem/em

WASHINGTON—Saying his latest executive order was legal due to an “underutilized but totally feasible workaround,” President Trump claimed Tuesday that he could overrule the U.S. Constitution by means of the relatively obscure “no one will stop me” loophole. “My critics say a constitutional amendment or at least an act of Congress is necessary to end birthright citizenship, but what they don’t realize is that a seldom-evoked administrative guideline ensures I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, because zero people will stand in my way,” said Trump, adding that the largely unheard-of clause allows him to circumvent normal legal proceedings because it’s not like anyone in any branch of government remains effective enough to prevent him from doing so. “Though few modern presidents have made use of it, this loophole has always given the nation’s chief executive unilateral power over the Constitution. Its provisions dictate that the president can sidestep any checks and balances on his power once he has abused his authority so many times that no one can keep track anymore.” Trump added that while his opponents may try to challenge his executive order in court, the loophole also states that by then he will have achieved his immediate political aims.

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Trump Turns On Fox News And Tells Aides To Make Whatever They’re Saying A Law

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Illustration for article titled Trump Turns On Fox News And Tells Aides To Make Whatever They’re Saying A Lawem/em

WASHINGTON—Demanding aides write down every single word from the morning’s Fox & Friends broadcast, President Trump turned on Fox News Tuesday and directed his staff to take everything its anchors were saying and make it into a law, White House sources confirmed. “Whatever they’re talking about right now, just draft it up and put it on my desk so I can sign it,” said Trump as he reportedly rewound the TiVo in the Oval Office dining room and replayed a sound bite from Steve Doocy that is expected to become the law of the land by the end of the week. “There’s a lot of really good material here—you’ve got the caravan, stuff about guns, ISIS—make sure you get it all down. You hear the places where they’re chuckling? Put that in there, too. I want everything.” At press time, sources said the president’s aides were handing him a final draft of an executive order that appeared to be a verbatim 60-page transcription of Your World With Neil Cavuto, complete with the text of several ads for IHOP and Sandals Resorts.

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Key House Races To Watch

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Illustration for article titled Midterms 2018: Key House Races To Watchem/em

Many of the 435 U.S. House of Representatives midterm races are currently polling as toss-ups, with Democrats needing to win at least 24 extra seats to take back the House. The Onion takes a look at the key House races to watch in the midterms.


Andy Barr vs. Amy McGrath (Kentucky’s Sixth District):

Democrat McGrath, the first woman to fly F-18 combat missions for the Marine Corps, is somehow in a tight race with incumbent Republican Andy Barr, who has never even once killed for his country.


Erik Paulsen vs. Dean Phillips (Minnesota’s Third District):

Incumbent Republican Paulsen has been notably critical of Donald Trump and wrote in Marco Rubio for president in 2016, though it’s unclear why he thinks that’s something to be proud of.


Mimi Walters vs. Katie Porter (California’s 45th District):

Democrat Porter is challenging incumbent Republican Walters on an unapologetically progressive message that will serve as the final, irrefutable test of whether a left-wing platform can resonate with voters.


Carol Miller vs. Richard Ojeda (West Virginia’s Third District):

All Republican Miller needs to do to beat Democrat Ojeda is convince voters how fucking awesome it will be to have a bison farmer as their representative.


Guy You’re Pretty Sure Is The Incumbent vs. Guy You’re Pretty Sure Is The Challenger (Your District):

Look, you’ll figure this out for sure before Election Day, okay? It’s been a busy few months.


John Faso v. Antonio Delgado (New York’s 19th District):

Republicans in this race are experimenting with the novel strategy of trying to appeal to voters who may be uncomfortable with the Democratic candidate’s ethnicity.


Dave Brat vs. Abigail Spanberger (Virginia’s Seventh District):

Democrats hope to stave off the challenge by the former federal law enforcement officer and CIA operative funded by real estate interests who…wait, that’s the Democrat? Christ. Why are they so bad at this?


Tom MacArthur vs. Andrew Kim (New Jersey’s Third District):

Over 1,900 residents have already been hospitalized for respiratory issues and second-degree chemical burns resulting from Democrat Kim’s efforts to turn the district blue.


John Culberson vs. Lizzie Pannill Fletcher (Texas’ Seventh District):

One of a number of thrilling, nail-biter races across the country that will likely come down to whether Trump happens to say something especially morally reprehensible within 24 hours of Election Day.

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