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DNC Speakers Can’t Believe They’re Giving Primetime Slot To Joe Fucking Biden

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Illustration for article titled DNC Speakers Can’t Believe They’re Giving Primetime Slot To Joe Fucking Biden

FAIR OAKS, CA—Admitting they didn’t understand what on earth was behind the decision, several Democratic National Convention speakers told reporters Thursday that they couldn’t believe party leadership was giving a prime-time slot to Joe fucking Biden. “We’ve got this stacked lineup—Michelle and Barack Obama, Gretchen Whitmer, Gabby Giffords—and the best they can do for the main event is Biden? Joe Biden? What the hell is going on?” said California governor Gavin Newsom, echoing concerns several other convention speakers had confided to reporters that basically anyone else would have been a better choice to close out the convention than the six-term Delaware senator. “This whole event is supposed to be about inspiring people about the future, and with all due respect to the former vice president, giving him a big speaking spot just isn’t going to cut it. I can see putting him in somewhere in the middle on one of the earlier nights, like right before Billie Eilish performs or maybe have him do a short pre-recorded 30-second clip where he talks about how he loves the country or some shit like that. There’s going to be all this momentum building with the earlier speakers, and then they expect Joe goddamn Biden is going to bring it all home? Give me a fucking break.” Several Democratic speakers told reporters they were still holding out hope that Biden would drop out of his speaking slot before the evening and it could be given to someone better.

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‘Four Quarts Make A Gallon. The Frontal Lobe Controls Decision Making. The Ottoman Empire Dissolved In 1922,” Says Amy Klobuchar, Continuing To Name Trivia Facts Hours After Debate Ends

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‘Four Quarts Make A Gallon. The Frontal Lobe Controls Decision Making. The Ottoman Empire Dissolved In 1922,” Says Amy Klobuchar, Continuing To Name Trivia Facts Hours After Debate Ends

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Biden Begging Donors To Stop Sending Money So He Can Quit Race

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WASHINGTON—Imploring his supporters to relieve him of his obligations on the campaign trail, former vice president and current presidential candidate Joe Biden reportedly begged his donors Thursday to stop sending him money so he could quit the presidential race. “Look, folks, we are at an important crossroads in our bid for the nomination, and I’m asking you from the bottom of my heart to please, please stop giving to my campaign so I can just end it already,” Biden wrote in an email sent to every individual, corporation, and political action committee that has contributed to his campaign, adding that with their generous help, they could help put him out of his misery at this “crucial juncture” right before the Nevada caucus. “I’m going to be honest with you. We’re being outpaced in fundraising by the other campaigns, and that is great, because I am very, very tired and ready to admit defeat; so please, whether you have $1 or $100 to spare, don’t send either. I know I can count on you to support me as I head back into retirement and try to pretend none of this ever happened.” At press time, sources confirmed Biden began openly weeping when he received a $4 million surge in donations.

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Experts Concerned Pale Russian Mystic Constantly At Trump’s Side May Attempt To Influence 2020 Election

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Illustration for article titled Experts Concerned Pale Russian Mystic Constantly At Trump’s Side May Attempt To Influence 2020 Election

WASHINGTON—Increasingly troubled about the role the self-proclaimed visionary and healer might play in the presidential race, intelligence experts expressed concerns Friday that Volokov Molchalin, the pale Russian mystic constantly at President Donald Trump’s side, may attempt to influence the 2020 election. “While we’re unsure exactly what Volokov is whispering into Trump’s ear—or if it’s a known language at all—it’s the consensus of the intelligence community that he likely intends to meddle in the upcoming election, perhaps by using his self-professed hypnotic powers to sway the American public,” said National Intelligence Director Joseph Maguire, noting that the long-bearded Eastern Orthodox prophet had enjoyed unprecedented access to the Oval Office since laying his hands on the president’s thigh in early June and allegedly curing him of an internal hemorrhage. “What’s more unsettling is that Volokov has only grown more brazen in his attempts to alter the president’s behavior, encouraging Trump to purify himself by self-flagellating, filling the West Wing with frankincense, or repeating occult incantations until his eyes roll back in a mystical trance. We’ve also received reports that Volokov can read minds, which would obviously make any counterintelligence efforts difficult, if not impossible.” At press time, terrified officials had escalated their warnings after a failed assassination attempt in which repeated stabbings, a gunshot wound to the head, and an apparent drowning in the freezing Potomac River failed to end the Russian mystic’s life.

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