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DNC Offers Startup $500 Million To Develop Pencil That Can Accurately Record Election Results

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Illustration for article titled DNC Offers Startup $500 Million To Develop Pencil That Can Accurately Record Election Results

WASHINGTON—Hoping the yellow, graphite-based writing instrument would allay voter doubts following the chaos of the Iowa caucuses, the Democratic National Committee reportedly offered a technology startup $500 million Tuesday to develop a pencil that can accurately record election results. “As of this morning, we have commissioned the design and manufacture of a cutting-edge tabulation device that will be able to legibly report vote totals on a sheet of paper 99% of the time,” said DNC chair Tom Perez, holding up a rough prototype of the 7.5-inch hexagonal marking implement, which will be built and rigorously stress-tested by a new Silicon Valley business venture known as Sharpen. “It may not be easy to encase a cylinder of graphite with wood or put a slick coat of glossy paint on its outside. But with this new partnership, we believe we will soon have at our disposal a pencil that is both reliable and totally resistant to any attack by foreign powers. Also, because it can be sharpened, this new delegate-reporting tool can be used repeatedly, lasting us through New Hampshire, Nevada, South Carolina, and perhaps even Super Tuesday.” At press time, sources confirmed plans for the pencil had been scrapped after election security experts warned the rubber eraser on its tip would quickly erode public trust in the product.

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Beto Voter Struggling To Refocus Her Sexual Fantasies On Ted Cruz

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Illustration for article titled Beto Voter Struggling To Refocus Her Sexual Fantasies On Ted Cruzem/em

AUSTIN, TX—Admitting that her attempts to fantasize about the victorious Senate candidate “just haven’t been the same,” noticeably flustered Beto O’Rourke voter Carissa Halpern told reporters Wednesday she was having difficulty refocusing her sexual yearnings onto Ted Cruz. “I was really hoping Beto would be my senator, but Ted Cruz won, so I guess I have to find a way to make this work,” said Halpern, adding that no matter how long she stared at photos of Cruz, she kept getting tripped up whenever she tried to imagine him in any of the steamy, intensely erotic scenarios his opponent had occupied in her desires over the past six months. “He doesn’t work out, he isn’t handsome, and he certainly doesn’t have an appealing personality or sense of humor. But he did manage to beat Beto at the polls, so maybe that’s kind of hot? I don’t know. Maybe if I picture him as being kind of like a sexy vampire? Oh God, no—no, that’s definitely not going to help. This is really going take a lot of work.” At press time, Halpern said that while she was still struggling to get off to Cruz, refocusing her sexual desires into fantasies involving torture and pain play was certainly helping.

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Sarah Huckabee Sanders Denies Doctoring Footage Showing Jim Acosta In Clown Makeup Blowing Up Gotham Hospital

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Illustration for article titled Sarah Huckabee Sanders Denies Doctoring Footage Showing Jim Acosta In Clown Makeup Blowing Up Gotham Hospital

WASHINGTON—Responding to criticism that she had engaged in misleading behavior, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders issued a flat denial Thursday that she had shared doctored footage portraying CNN reporter Jim Acosta in clown makeup blowing up Gotham Hospital. “President Trump expects and even demands difficult questions from journalists, but for Acosta to infiltrate a hospital dressed as a nurse in order to plant explosives is simply beyond the pale,” said Sanders of the clip, which shows the White House correspondent standing outside pressing a remote detonator several times as a hospital explodes in the background. “This is clear evidence that Acosta has shirked his journalistic responsibility by murdering scores of Gotham citizens, and it’s even more outrageous given his track record of unhinged actions, including lighting a pile of money on fire with a cigar and robbing a bank at gunpoint with several masked accomplices. Banning Acosta from the press room is the only reasonable response for these clear lapses in judgment.” At press time, CNN had responded by holding a panel discussion featuring experts arguing over whether Sanders’ denial represented an effective strategy for the Trump administration.

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Mueller Wondering Why There All This Drama Over Trump’s Unpaid Parking Violations

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Illustration for article titled Mueller Wondering Why There All This Drama Over Trump’s Unpaid Parking Violationsem/em

WASHINGTON—Expressing confusion as to why everyone was getting so worked up, special counsel Robert Mueller was reportedly wondering Thursday why there was all this drama over Donald Trump’s unpaid parking violations. “I mean, sure, he got some parking tickets, and he really should pay the fines, but it feels like people are freaking out for no reason,” said Mueller, acknowledging that while his investigation into the president had turned up multiple parking violations, including several times when the president had overstayed a parking meter and even a decades-old instance when he left his car in a handicapped zone, it was nothing to foment national mass protests against. “Obviously, it’s not ideal for a sitting president to have outstanding parking fines, but a lot of these are just BS street cleaning things, and honestly, he’s probably not even guilty of some of them. I don’t understand why he’s so resistant to talking to me about, what, maybe a few hundred bucks at most? Now his kids are being brought into it, and I even had to talk to his campaign manager just to make sure it was his vehicle. This whole thing is making a mountain out of a molehill.” Mueller added that he would be happy to cut the amount President Trump owes in half just to get the whole thing over with.

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