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DNC Mulls Asking Donald Trump To Run As Democrat In Effort To Stop Sanders

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Illustration for article titled DNC Mulls Asking Donald Trump To Run As Democrat In Effort To Stop Sanders

WASHINGTON—As the beginning of primary season upped the stakes in their search for an alternative candidate, Democratic National Committee officials reportedly mulled Monday asking Donald Trump to run for president as a Democrat in an effort to stop Bernie Sanders. “He’s obviously not our first choice, but Trump has a track record of winning elections, not to mention he does well with the conservative voters we’ll need to swing some red states blue—if that’s who we need to ask to ensure Bernie doesn’t win, we’ll do it,” said DNC chairman Tom Perez, who had circled Trump’s name on a white board lising dozens of potential candidates the party could try to convince to jump into the Democratic Party primaries in order to obstruct a Sanders nomination. “This late in the game, we need somebody with name recognition and a built-in following, which Trump definitely has. He has political experience working with Republicans, which will help him win over moderate voters who are turned off by the idea of a socialist president. Plus, he’ll have the backing of the Democratic donor base, who generally prefer him to Sanders. Look, sometimes politics makes strange bedfellows, but I think I speak for party leadership when I say that we’d much rather see Donald Trump than Bernie Sanders as the Democratic nominee.” At press time, Perez was in negotiations to ensure Trump was on every Democratic primary ballot for Super Tuesday and changing the requirements to allow Trump to qualify for the next Democratic debate.

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Beto Voter Struggling To Refocus Her Sexual Fantasies On Ted Cruz

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Illustration for article titled Beto Voter Struggling To Refocus Her Sexual Fantasies On Ted Cruzem/em

AUSTIN, TX—Admitting that her attempts to fantasize about the victorious Senate candidate “just haven’t been the same,” noticeably flustered Beto O’Rourke voter Carissa Halpern told reporters Wednesday she was having difficulty refocusing her sexual yearnings onto Ted Cruz. “I was really hoping Beto would be my senator, but Ted Cruz won, so I guess I have to find a way to make this work,” said Halpern, adding that no matter how long she stared at photos of Cruz, she kept getting tripped up whenever she tried to imagine him in any of the steamy, intensely erotic scenarios his opponent had occupied in her desires over the past six months. “He doesn’t work out, he isn’t handsome, and he certainly doesn’t have an appealing personality or sense of humor. But he did manage to beat Beto at the polls, so maybe that’s kind of hot? I don’t know. Maybe if I picture him as being kind of like a sexy vampire? Oh God, no—no, that’s definitely not going to help. This is really going take a lot of work.” At press time, Halpern said that while she was still struggling to get off to Cruz, refocusing her sexual desires into fantasies involving torture and pain play was certainly helping.

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Sarah Huckabee Sanders Denies Doctoring Footage Showing Jim Acosta In Clown Makeup Blowing Up Gotham Hospital

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Illustration for article titled Sarah Huckabee Sanders Denies Doctoring Footage Showing Jim Acosta In Clown Makeup Blowing Up Gotham Hospital

WASHINGTON—Responding to criticism that she had engaged in misleading behavior, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders issued a flat denial Thursday that she had shared doctored footage portraying CNN reporter Jim Acosta in clown makeup blowing up Gotham Hospital. “President Trump expects and even demands difficult questions from journalists, but for Acosta to infiltrate a hospital dressed as a nurse in order to plant explosives is simply beyond the pale,” said Sanders of the clip, which shows the White House correspondent standing outside pressing a remote detonator several times as a hospital explodes in the background. “This is clear evidence that Acosta has shirked his journalistic responsibility by murdering scores of Gotham citizens, and it’s even more outrageous given his track record of unhinged actions, including lighting a pile of money on fire with a cigar and robbing a bank at gunpoint with several masked accomplices. Banning Acosta from the press room is the only reasonable response for these clear lapses in judgment.” At press time, CNN had responded by holding a panel discussion featuring experts arguing over whether Sanders’ denial represented an effective strategy for the Trump administration.

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Mueller Wondering Why There All This Drama Over Trump’s Unpaid Parking Violations

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WASHINGTON—Expressing confusion as to why everyone was getting so worked up, special counsel Robert Mueller was reportedly wondering Thursday why there was all this drama over Donald Trump’s unpaid parking violations. “I mean, sure, he got some parking tickets, and he really should pay the fines, but it feels like people are freaking out for no reason,” said Mueller, acknowledging that while his investigation into the president had turned up multiple parking violations, including several times when the president had overstayed a parking meter and even a decades-old instance when he left his car in a handicapped zone, it was nothing to foment national mass protests against. “Obviously, it’s not ideal for a sitting president to have outstanding parking fines, but a lot of these are just BS street cleaning things, and honestly, he’s probably not even guilty of some of them. I don’t understand why he’s so resistant to talking to me about, what, maybe a few hundred bucks at most? Now his kids are being brought into it, and I even had to talk to his campaign manager just to make sure it was his vehicle. This whole thing is making a mountain out of a molehill.” Mueller added that he would be happy to cut the amount President Trump owes in half just to get the whole thing over with.

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