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DNC Mulls Asking Donald Trump To Run As Democrat In Effort To Stop Sanders

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Illustration for article titled DNC Mulls Asking Donald Trump To Run As Democrat In Effort To Stop Sanders

WASHINGTON—As the beginning of primary season upped the stakes in their search for an alternative candidate, Democratic National Committee officials reportedly mulled Monday asking Donald Trump to run for president as a Democrat in an effort to stop Bernie Sanders. “He’s obviously not our first choice, but Trump has a track record of winning elections, not to mention he does well with the conservative voters we’ll need to swing some red states blue—if that’s who we need to ask to ensure Bernie doesn’t win, we’ll do it,” said DNC chairman Tom Perez, who had circled Trump’s name on a white board lising dozens of potential candidates the party could try to convince to jump into the Democratic Party primaries in order to obstruct a Sanders nomination. “This late in the game, we need somebody with name recognition and a built-in following, which Trump definitely has. He has political experience working with Republicans, which will help him win over moderate voters who are turned off by the idea of a socialist president. Plus, he’ll have the backing of the Democratic donor base, who generally prefer him to Sanders. Look, sometimes politics makes strange bedfellows, but I think I speak for party leadership when I say that we’d much rather see Donald Trump than Bernie Sanders as the Democratic nominee.” At press time, Perez was in negotiations to ensure Trump was on every Democratic primary ballot for Super Tuesday and changing the requirements to allow Trump to qualify for the next Democratic debate.

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House Democrats Move To Impeach Biden To Prove They’d Comply If Situation Were Reversed

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House Democrats Move To Impeach Biden To Prove They’d Comply If Situation Were Reversed

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‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack

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Illustration for article titled ‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Informing the judge that he had definitive proof of voter fraud against Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani reportedly announced Thursday in court “Your honor, I’m ready to present” as he pulled a rotted melon and a stray cat out of an old burlap sack. “Give me a second and I’ll show you hard evidence that there are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of mail-ballot irregularities, it’s somewhere in here under all these pizzas and teeth,” said the president’s lawyer, rummaging through a large, stained canvas bag, discarding multiple grease-coated catalogs, dozens of half-eaten chicken tenders, and a mason jar containing a murky brown liquid, then holding up what he believed to be damning reports that turned out to be a soaking-wet tarp. “Hang on, your honor. As you’ll soon see, there are all kinds of testimonies and other documents proving definitively that officials knowingly engaged in—no, not this, how did this bath towel get in here? Whose bath towel is this? Objection! Now listen, judge your honor, it’s as clear as the evidence that I’ve written on the back of these cheeseburger wrappers, which if the ketchup writing wasn’t so smeared would clearly evidence fraud to the jury. No matter, though, because I’m smart and I made careful backup ketchup copies of the fraud on some gloves, which are legally admissible in court, as soon as I find them. Just a moment. Now where are my potato peels? Sirs of the jury, I submit here for legal questioning and subsequent arrest and execution whichever culprit took my potato peels. I have probable cause! Those are top-secret pieces of information that have client-attorney permission. Do not look at the potato peels! If the potato peels have been stolen, well that’s witness tampering right there, which means that Trump’s case is automatically won on the grounds of appellate dismissal. That’s all very legal. But first I submit these hockey pucks, and if you ignore the bite marks, it’s unmistakable that they—wait, excuse me, these are the wrong hockey pucks. Objection! The election is a fraud and I have the plastic bags of wet leaves to prove it!” At press time, Giuliani had confidently stated “No further questions, I rest my case” and sat chewing the melon rinds, spitting the seeds onto the prosecution’s table.

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Supreme Court Strikes Down Obama’s Personal Health Insurance Policy

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Illustration for article titled Supreme Court Strikes Down Obama’s Personal Health Insurance Policy

WASHINGTON—In a 5-4 decision that shocked legal experts across the nation, the Supreme Court made waves Thursday when it struck down former president Barack Obama’s personal health insurance policy. “The court holds that Barack Obama’s use of an HMO to provide health coverage for himself, his wife Michelle, and his daughters Sasha and Malia, is in blatant violation of the Ninth Amendment,” said Chief Justice Roberts, who added that existing coverage for all other Americans would remain unaffected except for the former president and the first family. “Henceforth, all African American men who were the 44th president of the United States will be stripped of coverage, including medical, prescription, and dental. Congress has no authority to reinstate these plans, or allow Barack Obama to purchase health insurance through a PPO, EPO, POS, or other means.” At press time, dissenting Justice Sotomayor protested, adding that such a precedent could open the doors to allowing the Supreme Court to strip 39th U.S. president Jimmy Carter of his personal health insurance.

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