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DNC Livestream Captures Convention’s True Energy With Uncomfortable, Muted Reaction To Chuck Schumer

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A Guide To The USMCA Trade Deal

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Illustration for article titled A Guide To The USMCA Trade Deal

The United States–Mexico–Canada Agreement, which would replace NAFTA as the act governing North American trade, has been ratified in both the U.S. and Mexico. The Onion takes a look at the most important components of the USMCA trade deal.


Stipulates at least 62.5% of all North Americans must be cars.


U.S.–Canada cow swap every other Saturday in Minnesota.


Both NAFTA and USMCA contain same number of vowels to make transition as smooth as possible.


Cash only.


Removes NAFTA’s hated truck nut tariff.


Significantly strengthens labor violations.


Intellectual property copyright terms extended to 70 years as personal favor to Jim Davis.


Completely revamps legal definition of what constitutes refried beans.


Agreement must be revisited in six years, no matter how cringey it is for the countries to look back at what they wrote when they were younger.

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Bloomberg Hires Thousands Of Canvassers To Stop Black Men On Street And Force Them To Hear Campaign Pitch

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Illustration for article titled Bloomberg Hires Thousands Of Canvassers To Stop Black Men On Street And Force Them To Hear Campaign Pitch

NEW YORK—Citing polling data that suggested the former mayor was tracking poorly among 18- to 25-year-old African Americans, Michael Bloomberg’s presidential campaign hired thousands of canvassers Friday to stop black men on the street and force them to hear his campaign pitch. “We want to make sure black voters can’t walk down the street without hearing Mike’s message loud and clear,” said campaign spokesperson Julie Wood, clarifying that canvassers have received training on the proper tactics for stopping black men and throwing them onto the ground while delivering Bloomberg’s talking points. “We’ve also instructed our canvassers to confiscate any materials supporting other candidates. In some cases, we might actually take some men into custody and bring them back to campaign headquarters. This is a massive undertaking that will run well beyond Super Tuesday. We’ve already set up Bloomberg-branded vans in black neighborhoods across the country to spread our message. It’ll all be worth it once these young black men hear what Bloomberg has to say about funding social security while they’re pressed up against a brick wall with an elbow digging into their backs.” At press time, Bloomberg defended his campaign’s decision to stop black high schoolers on the street, insisting that they’d be of voting age soon enough.

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Rod Blagojevich Somehow Already Governor Of Illinois Again Minutes After Prison Release

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Rod Blagojevich Somehow Already Governor Of Illinois Again Minutes After Prison Release

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