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Conservatives Warn Radical Kamala Harris Will Impose Her Christian Beliefs On American Populace

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Illustration for article titled Conservatives Warn Radical Kamala Harris Will Impose Her Christian Beliefs On American Populace

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that this was only the first step of many designed to destroy freedom and turn the nation into an extremist nightmare, conservative pundits warned Wednesday that known radical Kamala Harris would soon impose her Christian beliefs on the American populace. “Say goodbye to America as we know it, because in Kamala Harris’ America, you’ll spend every Sunday worshiping Jesus as our Lord and savior,” said Blaze Media CEO Glenn Beck, adding that if elected, Americans would be forced to live in a society where adults and children regularly attend church and are brainwashed from birth to live in fear of an all-powerful Lord and Savior. “Frankly, while this is terrifying, don’t just listen to me—go and read their disgusting scripture, which regularly features rape, incest, and something called an ‘immaculate conception.’ So, I ask you, do you really want your kids to spend every Sunday on their knees, getting radicalized by a religion that has killed millions in extremist violence around the globe? For God’s sake, we’re a Christian nation, not a Christian one.” At press time, Beck also warned of an increasingly bleak future where Americans were forced to take time off of work for Christian holidays and refer to America as “one nation, under God.”

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Candidates Struggle To Answer Question About Future Of Granite Countertops During HGTV Town Hall

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Illustration for article titled Candidates Struggle To Answer Question About Future Of Granite Countertops During HGTV Town Hall

CHARLESTON, SC—Clearly uncomfortable being asked to express their views on such a contentious issue, the 2020 Democratic presidential candidates struggled Wednesday to answer questions about the future of granite countertops during a series of HGTV town halls. “As president, what are you going to do to address the fact that wages are stagnating to the point where the vast majority of Americans can’t afford the granite countertops and backsplash tiles they desperately need to fix up their homes?” asked Jonathan Scott, who was moderating the HGTV town hall with his Property Brothers co-host Drew Scott, interrupting candidate Pete Buttigieg’s stammering response to note that a majority of voters doubted the former South Bend, IN mayor could effectively unify angry members of the nation’s polarized homeowners associations behind a common lawn care policy. “How do you plan to address the millions of Americans making do with laminate countertops, or who are forced to live in homes where there’s a lack of natural sunlight in the kitchen? Will you commit today to providing the support for all Americans to knock down a wall and open up the floor plan of their common areas? Many people out there are wondering whether their future will include a brick patio or detached deck, or whether they’ll ever even be able to live in a place that is perfect for entertaining. How do you respond?” At press time, Senator Amy Klobuchar was being booed by the HGTV town hall audience after she doubled down on controversial previous statements criticizing crown molding. 

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‘I Like This Candidate Now And Will Vote For Him,’ Says Area Man After Having To Watch 12th Bloomberg Ad In Single Day

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Illustration for article titled ‘I Like This Candidate Now And Will Vote For Him,’ Says Area Man After Having To Watch 12th Bloomberg Ad In Single Day

LEWISTON, ME—Announcing his newfound support for the former New York mayor, local Democratic voter Lucas Butterfield calmly stated, “I like this candidate now and will vote for him,” after seeing a Mike Bloomberg ad for the 12th time in a single day, sources confirmed Thursday. “The ninth ad didn’t really convince me, and I was on the fence for the 10th and 11th, but once I had seen my 12th commercial since waking up this morning, I suddenly realized Mike is the candidate for me,” said Butterfield, who explained that he had initially opposed the former Republican’s candidacy, but after the day’s encounter with a dozen print, TV, radio, billboard, and autoplaying digital ads, it now seemed obvious to him that Bloomberg was “the only man for the job.” “I like Mike. Mike is my candidate of choice. I will go to the polls and cast my ballot for Mike, and I will tell all my friends to vote for Mike too. I support Mike Bloomberg for president in 2020. Only Mike can get it done.” At press time, sources confirmed the man was speaking Bloomberg’s name over and over again with increasing urgency while he repeatedly walked into a wall.

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‘I’ll Show Those Pricks!’ Screams Mitt Romney Driving Busload Of Pregnant Women To Abortion Clinic After Being Disinvited To CPAC

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Illustration for article titled ‘I’ll Show Those Pricks!’ Screams Mitt Romney Driving Busload Of Pregnant Women To Abortion Clinic After Being Disinvited To CPAC

SALT LAKE CITY—Following the formal public announcement that he was no longer invited to the annual Conservative Public Action Conference, Senator Mitt Romney (R-UT) reportedly screamed, “I’ll show those pricks!” Thursday while driving a busload of pregnant women to an abortion clinic. “They called me liberal, I’ll show them liberal—did you hear that, ladies, we’re all getting abortions!” shouted Romney, who shifted the bus carrying 48 women into high gear before careening wildly into the clinic’s lot and parking the vehicle diagonally across multiple spaces. “Out, out, everybody out! Sheila, Jen, hush that crying. I don’t care what term you’re on, I’ve got a score to settle. Did you hear what those assholes did to me? Get whatever you want back there because everything’s on me!” At press time, Romney had driven the bus to a nearby obstretician’s office and was waving a fistful of cash in the waiting room, offering $5,000 to anyone who would get an abortion.

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