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Congress Sends Unemployed Americans 40 Million Boxes Of Saltwater Taffy From Vacation

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Illustration for article titled Congress Sends Unemployed Americans 40 Million Boxes Of Saltwater Taffy From Vacation

ST. THOMAS, U.S. VIRGIN ISLANDS—In a bipartisan effort to console constituents after it failed to pass a new stimulus package, the U.S. Congress announced Monday it had sent more than 40 million boxes of saltwater taffy from the island of St. Thomas to those Americans at risk of eviction without an extension of jobless benefits. “During this difficult time, we wanted to let Americans know we’re thinking of them with this saltwater taffy assortment, which includes vanilla, peppermint, molasses, root beer, and many other great flavors,” read a message to struggling, unemployed Americans that was scribbled on the back of a scenic postcard and signed by every member of Congress, with many signatures reportedly obscured by a sticky, fragrant substance resembling pineapple juice. “While we’ve been busy parasailing, scuba diving, and, most recently, watching taffy be made on a very cool crank machine from the 1920s, we assure you we have not forgotten about the troubles back home. That’s why we’ve drafted a proposal to purchase $100 million in sweatshirts that say ‘Lifeguard’ and ‘I run on island time’ from the store inside the resort we’re staying at. But for now, whether you’re in an expensive legal battle with your landlord, in the hospital, or sleeping under a bridge, we hope you’ll enjoy this little taste of the island life. Be careful, though: Ol’ [Sen.] Dick Durbin [D-IL] nearly lost a filling eating his taffy!” At press time, federal officials confirmed the funding needed to transport mail from St. Thomas to the U.S. mainland had been stripped from the Postal Service’s budget.

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Politics

Takeaways From The New Hampshire Primaries

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The New Hampshire presidential primaries took place on February 11, with President Donald Trump seeking reelection and several candidates locked in fierce competition for Democratic delegates. The Onion provides the most important takeaways from the New Hampshire primaries.


Exit polls indicated there at least 283,440 people in New Hampshire.


Suspicious lack of technical difficulties.


Bernie Sanders loses to Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg in key battle for second and third place.


Deval Patrick and Michael Bennet bested by “Other.”


Cold rain and common sense not deterring 154 people from leaving home to vote for Cory Booker.


Buttigieg unable to carry momentum from preemptively declaring victory in Iowa to preemptively declaring victory in other states.


If you ask the bartender at Buffalo Wild Wings to turn on the New Hampshire primaries for you, he’ll give you a look, but he’ll still do it.


Elizabeth Warren struggles to shore up support among people who have made up minds to vote for another candidate.


Tom Steyer had a nice time with his friends.


Vote goes in, gets counted. Simple as that, Iowa.

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Pros And Cons Of Abolishing The Senate

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Established by Article 1 of the U.S. Constitution and first convened in 1789, the Senate has served as the upper chamber of Congress, but as America has grown and populations have shifted, its continued existence as a chamber that gives every state an equal number of representatives has come under scrutiny. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of abolishing the Senate.


PRO

Founders devised Senate several generations before anyone could have even conceived of Oklahoma

Haven’t abolished anything in a while

Senate building could make for some nice new downtown lofts

Could lead to formation of fun new legislative body with cool name like The Assembly or The Council of Elders


CON

Senate serves as a safety valve in case democracy functioning too well

Would be mean after Founding Fathers put so much work into it

Kind of terrifying to think about what Mitch McConnell would get up to in private sector

Derails career track for children of current senators 

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Mike Bloomberg: ‘I Apologize For The Damages My Past Policies Have Caused To The Negro Community’

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Mike Bloomberg: ‘I Apologize For The Damages My Past Policies Have Caused To The Negro Community’

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