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Congress Reaches $1.4 Trillion Spending Deal To Award Entire Budget To One Lucky American

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WASHINGTON—Praising bipartisan efforts that prevented a government shutdown ahead of the holiday season, Congress reportedly reached a $1.4 trillion spending deal Tuesday to award the entire budget to one lucky American. “This is going to provide a completely new life for a single and very, very fortunate American,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, explaining that anyone who pays taxes is eligible to win except for employees and family members of those working for the federal government. “We were happy to see both sides step up and make concessions, including the size of the novelty check, who will pull the balls from the raffle drum, and the decision to eliminate the Social Security and Medicare programs. Winners can spend the money on whatever they like, and have the choice between receiving a lump sum or annuity payments of a billion dollars over the next thousand years or so. Second and third place winners will receive a 10-speed bike and $10 Amazon gift certificate respectively.” At press time, sources confirmed that this is only the third time the U.S. government has held such a lottery, which is credited to creating both the Carnegie and Rockefeller fortunes. 

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Self-Loathing GOP Congressman Can’t Believe He’s Been Reduced To Defending Necessity Of Public Schools

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Illustration for article titled Self-Loathing GOP Congressman Can’t Believe He’s Been Reduced To Defending Necessity Of Public Schools

WASHINGTON—As the nation falls deeper into the grip of a pandemic that has forced compromises upon his most cherished principles, a self-loathing Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN) acknowledged Friday he could not believe he had been reduced to defending the necessity of public schools in a civil society. “I hear these words coming out of my mouth, these requests for more federal dollars so public schools can reopen, and I wonder, ‘My God, what have I become?’” said Alexander, who wondered aloud whether he might still be able to console himself by diverting money from lunch programs and using it to build more charter schools. “I can barely recognize myself anymore, this man who goes on television and talks about how a return to normalcy in American life depends upon increasing funds to public schools and ensuring they have everything they need to succeed. Ugh, how has it come to this? Has the half century I’ve spent in politics been a complete waste?” At press time, Alexander had reportedly cheered himself up by thinking about all the public school teachers and staff whose health would be threatened by reopening too soon.

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Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary

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Illustration for article titled Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary

WASHINGTON—Following the progressive challenger’s victory over 16-term incumbent Rep. Eliot Engel (D-NY), House Speaker Nancy Pelosi phoned Jamaal Bowman to scold him for winning his primary race, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I just wanted to call and personally reprimand you for your victory,” said Pelosi, extending her sincerest indignation to the former Bronx middle school educator, who is expected to easily win the general election in his heavily Democratic congressional district. “I understand there are some mail-in ballots that still need to be counted, but it appears you won big last night and energized a lot of first-time voters and young people we absolutely did not want voting in this primary. So allow me to extend my sincerest fuck-you for everything you’ve done. Obviously, we’re going to be working together soon, so I look forward to crushing you the first chance I get.” Pelosi added that when things became official in November, she would call again to express how frustrated she was to welcome Bowman to Congress.

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Trump Claims Responsibility For Longest Black History Month In 4 Years

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Trump Claims Responsibility For Longest Black History Month In 4 Years

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