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Commentators Note Healthy Choice Commercial That Played Between RNC Broadcasts Made Powerful, Stirring Case For Reduced-Calorie Dinners

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Illustration for article titled Commentators Note Healthy Choice Commercial That Played Between RNC Broadcasts Made Powerful, Stirring Case For Reduced-Calorie Dinners

NEW YORK—Acknowledging that it delivered a message that would likely stick with viewers for a long time, political commentators Wednesday sung the praises of the Healthy Choice commercial that played between RNC broadcasts last night for making a powerful, stirring case for reduced-calorie dinners. “This was a complete win for the popular microwaveable food brand, showing definitively that they have what it takes to keep you feeling full and fully energized all day long,” said CNN analyst Chris Cillizza, admitting that while there had been concerns about staying on-message, producers had exceeded expectations with the perfectly orchestrated ad spot that went off without a hitch. “Healthy Choice painted a surprisingly optimistic vision by choosing to focus on tasty, fresh ingredients at a low price instead of a gloom-and-doom warning about the dangers of obesity and heart disease. It was a truly impressive TV moment, and it may represent a whole new chapter for the dining brand.” Cillizza added that a fact check would be forthcoming, but there was no doubt that the message of delicious and convenient food had stuck a chord with wide swaths of Americans.

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‘I’ll Show Those Pricks!’ Screams Mitt Romney Driving Busload Of Pregnant Women To Abortion Clinic After Being Disinvited To CPAC

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Illustration for article titled ‘I’ll Show Those Pricks!’ Screams Mitt Romney Driving Busload Of Pregnant Women To Abortion Clinic After Being Disinvited To CPAC

SALT LAKE CITY—Following the formal public announcement that he was no longer invited to the annual Conservative Public Action Conference, Senator Mitt Romney (R-UT) reportedly screamed, “I’ll show those pricks!” Thursday while driving a busload of pregnant women to an abortion clinic. “They called me liberal, I’ll show them liberal—did you hear that, ladies, we’re all getting abortions!” shouted Romney, who shifted the bus carrying 48 women into high gear before careening wildly into the clinic’s lot and parking the vehicle diagonally across multiple spaces. “Out, out, everybody out! Sheila, Jen, hush that crying. I don’t care what term you’re on, I’ve got a score to settle. Did you hear what those assholes did to me? Get whatever you want back there because everything’s on me!” At press time, Romney had driven the bus to a nearby obstretician’s office and was waving a fistful of cash in the waiting room, offering $5,000 to anyone who would get an abortion.

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Obama Kind Of Hurt No One’s Even Asked For His Endorsement

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WASHINGTON—Noting that he would happily lend his support to any candidate who just requested it, former President Barack Obama told reporters Friday he was kind of hurt no one in the 2020 Democratic field has even asked for his endorsement. “Look, I don’t want to toot my own horn here, but I’m a two-term president with significant pull among Democratic voters and I can’t help but feel a little bummed that no campaign has even raised the question of whether I’d consider endorsing them,” said the 44th commander in chief, stressing that he would happily express his full-throated approval for Amy Klobuchar, Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders or any of the race’s other candidates if they had even so much as broached the topic with him during recent in-person conversations, email chains, and phone calls. “Especially Joe. I mean, I worked with the guy for eight years, and he hasn’t even reached out to test the waters. I’m not trying to overstate my significance, but it’s not crazy to think my vouching for what he did as vice president could really change the way this race shakes out, right? I mean, what the hell? I feel like a forgotten man over here.” At press time, the former president had sighed and started drafting an enthusiastic endorsement of Tulsi Gabbard after receiving a request from one of the representative’s assistants.

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Warren Tells Supporters To Cut That Pinterest Shit Out, This Is Serious

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Illustration for article titled Warren Tells Supporters To Cut That Pinterest Shit Out, This Is Serious

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Fed-up presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren publicly told her supporters Friday to “Cut that Pinterest shit out,” reminding them that her candidacy was a serious bid to become “the commander in chief of the goddamn United States and should be treated as such.” “I’m running a legitimate campaign for the highest fucking office in the nation, carrying on the legacy of brave historical women who stood up to oppression and spoke truth to power, I’m not an excuse for you to create a lame-ass ‘TeamWarren’-branded Etsy account,” said the Massachusetts senator sternly, adding that she was an “actual human woman with legislative experience, not an adult Hermione motherfucking Granger.” “Oh, you stitched ‘Nevertheless she persisted’ onto another damn pillow for your Instagram? Cute. By the way, have you ever heard of canvassing, or is the ‘pussy hat’ you wasted crucial primary outreach hours crocheting too snug around your ears? And, while we’re on this, where are the profits from that deluge of enamel pins going? Certainly not to my campaign, last I checked.” At press time, Warren had punched through the glass of a framed poster featuring her head photoshopped onto Wonder Woman’s body that her “so-called supporters” had mailed to her campaign headquarters.

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