Connect with us

Politics

CNN Seamstresses Frantically Updating Results On Electoral Map Quilt

Published

on

Illustration for article titled CNN Seamstresses Frantically Updating Results On Electoral Map Quilt

NEW YORK—Unrolling yet another bolt of quilter’s weight cotton as vote tallies poured in from across the country, CNN seamstresses reportedly worked frantically Tuesday night to update county-by-county results on the network’s massive electoral map quilt. “Dammit, we’ve got an upset in the Adirondacks and only 25 seconds till we’re back from commercial—who has the red satin thread?” shouted senior needlework editor Marilyn Evers, 62, who used a seam ripper to tear out the blue stitches surrounding a sparsely populated county in upstate New York that had unexpectedly flipped in favor of President Trump. “Also, it may come down to the wire, so we need to have both a red and a blue poly-blend Florida backed with fusible interfacing. Let’s have that shit ready to iron on the map as soon as it’s decided. And let’s use some scraps of that adorable polka dot fabric Ellen brought in to appliqué a question mark on North Carolina so that Mr. Tapper will have something to point to when he announces it’s still too close to call. Oh, and by the way, if I look up at that screen tonight and see a state without properly bound edges and mitered corners, someone’s gonna lose their job. This is CNN, for fuck’s sake!” At press time, sources confirmed Evers had completed an intricate, hand-embroidered donkey in the southeast corner of Florida just in time to announce Broward County had gone to Joe Biden.

Source link

Continue Reading
Click to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Politics

House Democrats Move To Impeach Biden To Prove They’d Comply If Situation Were Reversed

Published

on

House Democrats Move To Impeach Biden To Prove They’d Comply If Situation Were Reversed

Source link

Continue Reading

Politics

‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack

Published

on

Illustration for article titled ‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Informing the judge that he had definitive proof of voter fraud against Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani reportedly announced Thursday in court “Your honor, I’m ready to present” as he pulled a rotted melon and a stray cat out of an old burlap sack. “Give me a second and I’ll show you hard evidence that there are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of mail-ballot irregularities, it’s somewhere in here under all these pizzas and teeth,” said the president’s lawyer, rummaging through a large, stained canvas bag, discarding multiple grease-coated catalogs, dozens of half-eaten chicken tenders, and a mason jar containing a murky brown liquid, then holding up what he believed to be damning reports that turned out to be a soaking-wet tarp. “Hang on, your honor. As you’ll soon see, there are all kinds of testimonies and other documents proving definitively that officials knowingly engaged in—no, not this, how did this bath towel get in here? Whose bath towel is this? Objection! Now listen, judge your honor, it’s as clear as the evidence that I’ve written on the back of these cheeseburger wrappers, which if the ketchup writing wasn’t so smeared would clearly evidence fraud to the jury. No matter, though, because I’m smart and I made careful backup ketchup copies of the fraud on some gloves, which are legally admissible in court, as soon as I find them. Just a moment. Now where are my potato peels? Sirs of the jury, I submit here for legal questioning and subsequent arrest and execution whichever culprit took my potato peels. I have probable cause! Those are top-secret pieces of information that have client-attorney permission. Do not look at the potato peels! If the potato peels have been stolen, well that’s witness tampering right there, which means that Trump’s case is automatically won on the grounds of appellate dismissal. That’s all very legal. But first I submit these hockey pucks, and if you ignore the bite marks, it’s unmistakable that they—wait, excuse me, these are the wrong hockey pucks. Objection! The election is a fraud and I have the plastic bags of wet leaves to prove it!” At press time, Giuliani had confidently stated “No further questions, I rest my case” and sat chewing the melon rinds, spitting the seeds onto the prosecution’s table.

Source link

Continue Reading

Politics

Supreme Court Strikes Down Obama’s Personal Health Insurance Policy

Published

on

Illustration for article titled Supreme Court Strikes Down Obama’s Personal Health Insurance Policy

WASHINGTON—In a 5-4 decision that shocked legal experts across the nation, the Supreme Court made waves Thursday when it struck down former president Barack Obama’s personal health insurance policy. “The court holds that Barack Obama’s use of an HMO to provide health coverage for himself, his wife Michelle, and his daughters Sasha and Malia, is in blatant violation of the Ninth Amendment,” said Chief Justice Roberts, who added that existing coverage for all other Americans would remain unaffected except for the former president and the first family. “Henceforth, all African American men who were the 44th president of the United States will be stripped of coverage, including medical, prescription, and dental. Congress has no authority to reinstate these plans, or allow Barack Obama to purchase health insurance through a PPO, EPO, POS, or other means.” At press time, dissenting Justice Sotomayor protested, adding that such a precedent could open the doors to allowing the Supreme Court to strip 39th U.S. president Jimmy Carter of his personal health insurance.

Source link

Continue Reading

Trending