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CNN Figures It Can Soak Tom Steyer For Couple Million By Pretending It Costs Money To Appear In Debate

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DES MOINES, IA—Speculating that the candidate would not raise an objection to any sum they named, CNN officials reported Tuesday that they figured the network could soak Tom Steyer for a few million simply by pretending that it costs money to appear in that evening’s debate. “Here’s what I’m thinking: We just rattle off an email to Tom’s campaign mentioning that we hadn’t gotten his $2.5 million debate fee, see if any of his staffers bat an eye, and then take things from there,” said CNN president Jeff Zucker, noting that his team had already received prompt and courteous payment from Steyer’s campaign after sending them an itemized list suggesting the network required reimbursement for the candidate’s podium and microphone alongside a per-question fee for Wolf Blitzer’s time. “Early on, I told one of his chief aides that we were going to bill them for every word he uttered, and he just nodded and said ‘uh-huh, sounds good.’ God, he was actually surprised that we were charging them so much less than PBS had at the last debate.” At press time, Steyer was spotted frantically searching his suit pockets after a stage tech informed the businessman that he had failed to compensate the network with $500 for its customary entrance fee.

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Self-Loathing GOP Congressman Can’t Believe He’s Been Reduced To Defending Necessity Of Public Schools

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Illustration for article titled Self-Loathing GOP Congressman Can’t Believe He’s Been Reduced To Defending Necessity Of Public Schools

WASHINGTON—As the nation falls deeper into the grip of a pandemic that has forced compromises upon his most cherished principles, a self-loathing Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN) acknowledged Friday he could not believe he had been reduced to defending the necessity of public schools in a civil society. “I hear these words coming out of my mouth, these requests for more federal dollars so public schools can reopen, and I wonder, ‘My God, what have I become?’” said Alexander, who wondered aloud whether he might still be able to console himself by diverting money from lunch programs and using it to build more charter schools. “I can barely recognize myself anymore, this man who goes on television and talks about how a return to normalcy in American life depends upon increasing funds to public schools and ensuring they have everything they need to succeed. Ugh, how has it come to this? Has the half century I’ve spent in politics been a complete waste?” At press time, Alexander had reportedly cheered himself up by thinking about all the public school teachers and staff whose health would be threatened by reopening too soon.

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Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary

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Illustration for article titled Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary

WASHINGTON—Following the progressive challenger’s victory over 16-term incumbent Rep. Eliot Engel (D-NY), House Speaker Nancy Pelosi phoned Jamaal Bowman to scold him for winning his primary race, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I just wanted to call and personally reprimand you for your victory,” said Pelosi, extending her sincerest indignation to the former Bronx middle school educator, who is expected to easily win the general election in his heavily Democratic congressional district. “I understand there are some mail-in ballots that still need to be counted, but it appears you won big last night and energized a lot of first-time voters and young people we absolutely did not want voting in this primary. So allow me to extend my sincerest fuck-you for everything you’ve done. Obviously, we’re going to be working together soon, so I look forward to crushing you the first chance I get.” Pelosi added that when things became official in November, she would call again to express how frustrated she was to welcome Bowman to Congress.

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Trump Claims Responsibility For Longest Black History Month In 4 Years

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Trump Claims Responsibility For Longest Black History Month In 4 Years

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