Connect with us

Politics

Cat-Eared, Pink-Haired Bill Clinton Exhorts DNC Viewers To Donate For Access To Uncensored Version Of Speech

Published

on

Illustration for article titled Cat-Eared, Pink-Haired Bill Clinton Exhorts DNC Viewers To Donate For Access To Uncensored Version Of Speech

NEW YORK—Licking a lollipop while smiling coyly at the camera, former president Bill Clinton used his Democratic National Convention speaking slot Tuesday to exhort viewers to donate for access to his full, uncut speech. “Our nation stands on a precipice, and we need to take this moment to thank DemLover420 for donating $200—there’s something special coming your way, baby,” said the former commander in chief, broadcasting live from his bedroom as he urged prospective voters to visit his website for all the Bill Clinton action they could handle. “This is a time for us all to come together as Americans, from the poorest among us who can only afford the membership tier that lets you view my daily Snapchat, to billionaires who could could easily unlock access to hundreds of hours of corporate speeches and the chance win a tie or flag pin that’s touched my body. Come on, don’t be shy, I’ll be waiting for you.” At press time, Clinton had begun writing “Goldman Sachs” on his cheek in lipstick after receiving a generous tip of $50 million from a single, lonely Wall Street executive.

Source link

Politics

Trump Administration Rolls Back Hunting Regulations Forbidding Use Of Chokeholds, Eye Gouging On Birds

Published

on

Illustration for article titled Trump Administration Rolls Back Hunting Regulations Forbidding Use Of Chokeholds, Eye Gouging On Birds

WASHINGTON—In a legal measure that will greatly expand the options available to American sportsmen, the Trump administration announced Thursday that it would repeal legacy regulations forbidding the use of controversial chokeholds and eye-gouging when hunting game birds. “Although animal rights activists have long decried placing grouse in sleeper holds, piledriving pheasants, and headbutting doves, we recognize that these inarguably effective moves have a long tradition among wingshooters,” said President Donald Trump in a press conference, adding that no less a man than Theodore Roosevelt had thought nothing of roundhouse kicking a brace of ducks for his dinner. “They call the move the ‘Crossface Chicken Wing’ for a reason. Furthermore, banning the use of the common folding chair as an implement for slamming birds across the head is a holdover from the days of ignorant environmentalists who don’t respect traditional hunting. True woodsmen know that respecting nature often means wrapping barbed wire around your fist to pummel a Canada goose or digging your thumbs into the eyes of a woodcock, and that there isn’t a hunter alive who wouldn’t curb stomp a wild turkey.” President Trump then posed for photographs while repeatedly smashing a quail beak-first into one of the White House’s marble columns.

Source link

Continue Reading

Politics

Embarrassed Heart Surgeon Admits He May Have Accidentally Left Sanders’ Medical Records In Candidate’s Chest

Published

on

Illustration for article titled Embarrassed Heart Surgeon Admits He May Have Accidentally Left Sanders’ Medical Records In Candidate’s Chest

LAS VEGAS—Acknowledging the blunder following public pressure that his patient release the confidential documents, embarrassed heart surgeon Dr. Michael Sharrer admitted to reporters Monday that he may have accidentally left Bernie Sanders’ medical records in the candidate’s chest. “Honestly, I just set them down for a second, and before I knew it he was all closed up,” said Sharrer, who speculated that he must have misplaced the Vermont senator’s health records inside Sanders’ thoracic cavity while performing the stent procedure with the scalpel in one hand and the files in the other back in October. “It was a manila folder filled with all kinds of test results and charts. It probably got tucked behind the rib cage. I really should have been more careful considering that was our only copy. We could try an X-ray, but they might be difficult to read because they’re probably all bloody. Man, we should really switch to digital records.” At press time, Sanders’ critics were calling upon the presidential candidate to cut open his chest to release the records.

Source link

Continue Reading

Politics

Trump In India Hails Blossoming Relations Between The 2 Planets

Published

on

Illustration for article titled Trump In India Hails Blossoming Relations Between The 2 Planets

AHMEDABAD, INDIA—Representing the United States during a diplomatic visit to India, President Donald Trump hailed the blossoming relations between the two planets during a rally Monday at the 110,000-seat Motera Stadium. “Although we may come from different worlds, and our civilizations are separated by millions of lightyears, the bonds we share are still incredibly powerful,” said Trump, who marveled aloud at the strange vegetation and peculiar culture of the foreign planet, remarking to aides that the inhabitants of India were “a lot like us,” despite their extraterrestrial origin. “When I landed here in my flying craft after a long journey at warp speed through multiple galaxies, your entire planet came out into the streets to welcome me as if I were a member of your own species. That’s something I’ll never forget. May our two countries continue to exist in interplanetary harmony, sending a message of peace to the rest of the universe.” Trump later complimented Indian prime minister Narendra Modi’s efforts to combat the intergalactic Muslim threat that puts their shared star system in danger.

Source link

Continue Reading

Trending