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Buttigieg Touts Progress Connecting With Black Fortune 500 Executives

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SOUTH BEND, IN—Addressing concerns over his campaign’s marked lack of inclusion, Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg touted significant progress he made Friday connecting with black Fortune 500 executives. “I’ve heard your concerns, and over the past few weeks, I’ve made great efforts to not just talk to but listen to prominent members of the African American consulting community,” said the former South Bend mayor, emphasizing that he had hosted several round tables across the country where he had personal, one-on-one conversations with black VPs of weapons manufacturers, pharmaceutical companies, and Silicon Valley tech giants. “While I might not have lived the same experiences, I hope that my campaign will feel inclusive to all executives of color, in all management levels, regardless of whether they attended Harvard or Yale. As someone who worked at McKinsey myself, I know firsthand that we can’t win the presidency without them.” At press time, Buttigieg unveiled a new plan to diversify his campaign staff by hiring a single black finance executive to the Pete 2020 board.

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Man Confused By Obscure Down-Ballot Measure About Deciding Who His Senator Should Be

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Illustration for article titled Man Confused By Obscure Down-Ballot Measure About Deciding Who His Senator Should Beem/em

FORT WAYNE, IN—Growing increasingly frustrated as he attempted to cast his vote in the midterm elections despite a severe lack of clarity and transparency, citizen Geoff Barnes admitted Tuesday that he was deeply confused by an obscure down-ballot measure to determine the senator for his district. “I don’t even know who these people are or what this ‘senator’ thing is supposed to be, but I hate to just guess,” said Barnes, visibly annoyed at the ballot’s lack of any explanation as to what exactly the measure comprised and the absence of any kind of key that might help him comprehend the (R) and (D) symbols appearing next to the accompanying names. “I hate how they sneak these little things in at the end without giving you any information. Obviously, I know what I want done for the major issues, such as the dog park initiative and the new water reclamation substation, but who knows about this piddly stuff. Honestly, it’s things like this that keep people from voting altogether.” Barnes ultimately decided to register his displeasure by writing in the pseudonym “Joe Donnelly” instead.

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Georgia Election Worker Assures Black Man Ballot Scanner Supposed To Sound Like Shredder

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Illustration for article titled Georgia Election Worker Assures Black Man Ballot Scanner Supposed To Sound Like Shredderem/em

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Insisting that the machine was operating exactly as intended, Georgia election worker Mitchell Hamlin reportedly assured a black man on Tuesday that the ballot scanner was supposed to sound like a shredder. “Don’t you worry, it’s designed to sound like it’s ripping your ballot into thousands of tiny pieces,” the election worker informed the middle-aged African American resident, adding that it was merely a coincidence that several white voters in front of him had been directed to insert their ballots into a different scanner. “You should absolutely be hearing a constant whirring and shredding sound—that’s the machine’s way of telling you that your vote counts. And that bucket below where the ballot scanner is dropping strips of paper? That’s simply the machine producing a receipt so we know it went through to the right place. Congratulations, you definitely voted today.” At press time, Hamlin stated that he could also confirm the man’s registration for the 2020 election if he just handed over his driver’s license.

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Bored J.B. Pritzker Brainstorming New Hobbies To Blow Money On After Winning Election

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Illustration for article titled Bored J.B. Pritzker Brainstorming New Hobbies To Blow Money On After Winning Electionem/em

CHICAGO—Growing restless and wandering away from the party celebrating his victory Tuesday night, a bored J.B. Pritzker was reportedly brainstorming new hobbies to blow his money on after winning the Illinois gubernatorial election. “Shelling out $171 million of my own money to get elected governor was fun and all, but now that that’s over and done with, it’s time to think big and find some other stuff I can buy,” said Pritzker, adding that after spending his own and his family’s vast wealth on starting an investment group with his brother, owning a horse farm in Wisconsin, purchasing a Lake Geneva vacation mansion, having a science center at the Milton Academy named after him, getting a building at the University of South Dakota named after his wife’s parents, ensuring the Northwestern law school was named after his family, setting up charities to provide cover for funneling money into offshore accounts, bankrolling union-busting activities at companies he owns, sending his children to private school, heavily funding two Hillary Clinton presidential campaigns, giving over $2 million to Duke University, flying on private jets, and winning the governor’s race, he was looking for a fun new diversion to help offload some more of his $3.4 billion fortune. “It’s definitely nice to be governor, but what I’m really looking for is something that requires me to pony up some serious moolah. After all, I only get to be governor of one state. I bought a bunch of Faberge eggs and a ton of the rarest luxury cars I could find, but that’s not really doing it for me. I was talking to someone the other day who said I could buy an Egyptian mummy, so maybe I’ll do that. Or I could buy up a bunch of vineyards, or a couple castles? Maybe I can use my time as governor to really get down to work on my dream of finally buying all of Da Vinci’s works. I’d better think of something soon, though, since all this cash is really burning a hole in my pocket.” At press time, Pritzker had decided to order a full-scale reproduction of Venice in southern Illinois after realizing how much taxpayer money he would have fritter away.

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