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Both Parties Acting Exactly How Everyone Expected Them To Restore Nation’s Faith In Political Process

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Illustration for article titled Both Parties Acting Exactly How Everyone Expected Them To Restore Nation’s Faith In Political Process

AKRON, OH—As President Donald Trump’s impeachment trial ended with an acquittal in the Senate, sources confirmed Friday that both parties acting exactly how everyone expected them to had restored the nation’s faith in its political process. “Watching the Democrats cower behind ineffectual high-minded rhetoric while the Republicans manipulated every procedure and spouted dangerous propaganda really affirmed my belief that today’s U.S. government is working exactly as intended,” said 43-year-old retail manager Aaron Bennett, echoing the sentiments of 325 million Americans who confirmed that although the impeachment trial had shaken their faith in their leaders, watching the Democrats belatedly pursue a narrow goal that resisted meaningfully challenging any structural issues, only to let themselves be easily obstructed by Republican leaders committed to holding power regardless of the consequences, offered sorely needed reassurance of the strength of the U.S. political system. “I was really worried impeachment indicated that the American way of life for the last several decades was at risk. I admit I even doubted whether our institutions could survive several Republicans deviating from their cynical embrace of an obvious criminal in order to further their callous agenda. The idea that Democrats were actually trying to pursue a moral objective instead of just using moral rhetoric as a smokescreen for accumulating influence really shook me. I’m just grateful that both parties were able to move past their differences and work together to uphold the American political system as we know it.” The relieved nation added that it would have been devastating if the Senate removed Trump, which would fly in the face of what the founding fathers wanted when they inscribed the principle of a few rich men shielding each other from accountability into the nation’s Constitution.

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Politics

Trump Unveils Reelection Campaign Plan To Drive Bus Into Crowds Across Country

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Illustration for article titled Trump Unveils Reelection Campaign Plan To Drive Bus Into Crowds Across Countryem/em

WASHINGTON—In an effort to appeal to his base and build enthusiasm for his reelection bid, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that his 2020 campaign included plans to drive a specially decorated tour bus into crowds across the country. “I’ll have these amazing crowds, the biggest, most beautiful crowds you’ve ever seen, and we’ll just plow right through them in our bus,” said Trump, explaining his strategy for retaining control of the White House by energizing his base with campaign rallies and appearances and then crushing them under the weight of a chartered bus. “No one has campaigned like this before––bringing a gorgeous bus to huge crowds of everyday Americans and running them down. It’s the, you know, the people, and I’m the people’s president. It will probably say that on the bus. Important. Connect with voters. We’re going to the South, through the—what they call it since Obama—the rustbelt, meeting supporters, driving into them, driving over them. Driving over thousands of people. Men, women, children, everyday Americans, they’ll love it. They love buses. We get huge crowds of folks at my rallies, you know? These people, they’ll chant my name while I drive over them in our bus. Big bus, just beautiful. I’ll drive the bus myself—I can drive. The bus can go, like, 90 miles per hour, so we’ll—you know, I’m gonna do that. Run them over. Crush them, drum up so many votes.” A special TrumpBus companion website reportedly features a special section for donors pledging over $1,000 to Trump’s reelection campaign in exchange for president slowly backing his bus over the donor’s entire extended family has already sold out.

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Key Takeaways From The 2018 Midterms

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Illustration for article titled Key Takeaways From The 2018 Midtermsem/em

The 2018 midterm elections resulted in the Republicans holding onto the Senate, the Democrats taking the House, a number of governor’s houses switching parties, and the passage of many progressive state ballot measures. The Onion takes a look at the key takeaways from the 2018 midterms.


Liberal enthusiasm was completely misguided, as the Democrats failed to win every race.


Money and racism still pretty effective campaigning tools.


Landmark elections of first Muslim women, 986th white supremacist to Congress.


Should probably bring snack to polling place next time.


Republicans continue to owe victories to the tireless work of grassroots gerrymandering.


To ensure a win in 2020, the Democrats should consider running either a far-left, center-left, moderate, or conservative candidate.


Diehard fans of graphical representations of data celebrated record chart turnout.


We probably won’t miss our grandparents as much as we think.


Wins by diverse candidates are stoking fears that more Americans willing to elect candidates who represent them.


Conclusively proves that America holds elections every two years.

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Beto Voter Struggling To Refocus Her Sexual Fantasies On Ted Cruz

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Illustration for article titled Beto Voter Struggling To Refocus Her Sexual Fantasies On Ted Cruzem/em

AUSTIN, TX—Admitting that her attempts to fantasize about the victorious Senate candidate “just haven’t been the same,” noticeably flustered Beto O’Rourke voter Carissa Halpern told reporters Wednesday she was having difficulty refocusing her sexual yearnings onto Ted Cruz. “I was really hoping Beto would be my senator, but Ted Cruz won, so I guess I have to find a way to make this work,” said Halpern, adding that no matter how long she stared at photos of Cruz, she kept getting tripped up whenever she tried to imagine him in any of the steamy, intensely erotic scenarios his opponent had occupied in her desires over the past six months. “He doesn’t work out, he isn’t handsome, and he certainly doesn’t have an appealing personality or sense of humor. But he did manage to beat Beto at the polls, so maybe that’s kind of hot? I don’t know. Maybe if I picture him as being kind of like a sexy vampire? Oh God, no—no, that’s definitely not going to help. This is really going take a lot of work.” At press time, Halpern said that while she was still struggling to get off to Cruz, refocusing her sexual desires into fantasies involving torture and pain play was certainly helping.

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