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Bored J.B. Pritzker Brainstorming New Hobbies To Blow Money On After Winning Election

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Illustration for article titled Bored J.B. Pritzker Brainstorming New Hobbies To Blow Money On After Winning Electionem/em

CHICAGO—Growing restless and wandering away from the party celebrating his victory Tuesday night, a bored J.B. Pritzker was reportedly brainstorming new hobbies to blow his money on after winning the Illinois gubernatorial election. “Shelling out $171 million of my own money to get elected governor was fun and all, but now that that’s over and done with, it’s time to think big and find some other stuff I can buy,” said Pritzker, adding that after spending his own and his family’s vast wealth on starting an investment group with his brother, owning a horse farm in Wisconsin, purchasing a Lake Geneva vacation mansion, having a science center at the Milton Academy named after him, getting a building at the University of South Dakota named after his wife’s parents, ensuring the Northwestern law school was named after his family, setting up charities to provide cover for funneling money into offshore accounts, bankrolling union-busting activities at companies he owns, sending his children to private school, heavily funding two Hillary Clinton presidential campaigns, giving over $2 million to Duke University, flying on private jets, and winning the governor’s race, he was looking for a fun new diversion to help offload some more of his $3.4 billion fortune. “It’s definitely nice to be governor, but what I’m really looking for is something that requires me to pony up some serious moolah. After all, I only get to be governor of one state. I bought a bunch of Faberge eggs and a ton of the rarest luxury cars I could find, but that’s not really doing it for me. I was talking to someone the other day who said I could buy an Egyptian mummy, so maybe I’ll do that. Or I could buy up a bunch of vineyards, or a couple castles? Maybe I can use my time as governor to really get down to work on my dream of finally buying all of Da Vinci’s works. I’d better think of something soon, though, since all this cash is really burning a hole in my pocket.” At press time, Pritzker had decided to order a full-scale reproduction of Venice in southern Illinois after realizing how much taxpayer money he would have fritter away.

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House Democrats Move To Impeach Biden To Prove They’d Comply If Situation Were Reversed

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House Democrats Move To Impeach Biden To Prove They’d Comply If Situation Were Reversed

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‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack

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Illustration for article titled ‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Informing the judge that he had definitive proof of voter fraud against Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani reportedly announced Thursday in court “Your honor, I’m ready to present” as he pulled a rotted melon and a stray cat out of an old burlap sack. “Give me a second and I’ll show you hard evidence that there are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of mail-ballot irregularities, it’s somewhere in here under all these pizzas and teeth,” said the president’s lawyer, rummaging through a large, stained canvas bag, discarding multiple grease-coated catalogs, dozens of half-eaten chicken tenders, and a mason jar containing a murky brown liquid, then holding up what he believed to be damning reports that turned out to be a soaking-wet tarp. “Hang on, your honor. As you’ll soon see, there are all kinds of testimonies and other documents proving definitively that officials knowingly engaged in—no, not this, how did this bath towel get in here? Whose bath towel is this? Objection! Now listen, judge your honor, it’s as clear as the evidence that I’ve written on the back of these cheeseburger wrappers, which if the ketchup writing wasn’t so smeared would clearly evidence fraud to the jury. No matter, though, because I’m smart and I made careful backup ketchup copies of the fraud on some gloves, which are legally admissible in court, as soon as I find them. Just a moment. Now where are my potato peels? Sirs of the jury, I submit here for legal questioning and subsequent arrest and execution whichever culprit took my potato peels. I have probable cause! Those are top-secret pieces of information that have client-attorney permission. Do not look at the potato peels! If the potato peels have been stolen, well that’s witness tampering right there, which means that Trump’s case is automatically won on the grounds of appellate dismissal. That’s all very legal. But first I submit these hockey pucks, and if you ignore the bite marks, it’s unmistakable that they—wait, excuse me, these are the wrong hockey pucks. Objection! The election is a fraud and I have the plastic bags of wet leaves to prove it!” At press time, Giuliani had confidently stated “No further questions, I rest my case” and sat chewing the melon rinds, spitting the seeds onto the prosecution’s table.

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Supreme Court Strikes Down Obama’s Personal Health Insurance Policy

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Illustration for article titled Supreme Court Strikes Down Obama’s Personal Health Insurance Policy

WASHINGTON—In a 5-4 decision that shocked legal experts across the nation, the Supreme Court made waves Thursday when it struck down former president Barack Obama’s personal health insurance policy. “The court holds that Barack Obama’s use of an HMO to provide health coverage for himself, his wife Michelle, and his daughters Sasha and Malia, is in blatant violation of the Ninth Amendment,” said Chief Justice Roberts, who added that existing coverage for all other Americans would remain unaffected except for the former president and the first family. “Henceforth, all African American men who were the 44th president of the United States will be stripped of coverage, including medical, prescription, and dental. Congress has no authority to reinstate these plans, or allow Barack Obama to purchase health insurance through a PPO, EPO, POS, or other means.” At press time, dissenting Justice Sotomayor protested, adding that such a precedent could open the doors to allowing the Supreme Court to strip 39th U.S. president Jimmy Carter of his personal health insurance.

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