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Bloomberg Hires Thousands Of Canvassers To Stop Black Men On Street And Force Them To Hear Campaign Pitch

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Illustration for article titled Bloomberg Hires Thousands Of Canvassers To Stop Black Men On Street And Force Them To Hear Campaign Pitch

NEW YORK—Citing polling data that suggested the former mayor was tracking poorly among 18- to 25-year-old African Americans, Michael Bloomberg’s presidential campaign hired thousands of canvassers Friday to stop black men on the street and force them to hear his campaign pitch. “We want to make sure black voters can’t walk down the street without hearing Mike’s message loud and clear,” said campaign spokesperson Julie Wood, clarifying that canvassers have received training on the proper tactics for stopping black men and throwing them onto the ground while delivering Bloomberg’s talking points. “We’ve also instructed our canvassers to confiscate any materials supporting other candidates. In some cases, we might actually take some men into custody and bring them back to campaign headquarters. This is a massive undertaking that will run well beyond Super Tuesday. We’ve already set up Bloomberg-branded vans in black neighborhoods across the country to spread our message. It’ll all be worth it once these young black men hear what Bloomberg has to say about funding social security while they’re pressed up against a brick wall with an elbow digging into their backs.” At press time, Bloomberg defended his campaign’s decision to stop black high schoolers on the street, insisting that they’d be of voting age soon enough.

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White House Concerned Ryan Zinke Made Land Deal Without Giving Cut To Trump

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Illustration for article titled White House Concerned Ryan Zinke Made Land Deal Without Giving Cut To Trumpem/em

WASHINGTON—Confirming the administration had launched a Justice Department investigation into the U.S. secretary of the interior’s conduct, the White House revealed Friday that it was concerned Ryan Zinke had made a land deal without giving a cut to President Trump. “Mounting evidence indicates that Secretary Zinke may have acted improperly by making money off of a private land development deal without letting President Trump wet his beak,” said White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, confirming that Zinke’s role in the development of a business and retail park near land in Montana that he and his wife own may have run afoul of White House rules for skimming some profits off the top for the president. “At no time did Mr. Zinke inform us about which Trump Organization bank account he would be depositing the president’s kickback into, nor have we received an envelope full of unmarked bills slipped under the Oval Office door. We are extremely disappointed that the secretary would use his office to enrich himself without also enriching the president.” White House officials added that while they were committed to investigating Zinke for potential impropriety, they wanted to reassure Americans that the vast majority of federal employees always followed protocol in giving a cut of the profits from their private-sector hustles to the president.

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New Trump Campaign Ad Claims That Illegal Immigrants Currently Murdering You With Knife

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Illustration for article titled New Trump Campaign Ad Claims That Illegal Immigrants Currently Murdering You With Knifeem/em

WASHINGTON—Drawing the ire of critics who decried the spot as “misleading” and “racially charged,” a new campaign ad released Friday by President Trump claimed that illegal immigrants are currently murdering you with a knife. “Thousands of homicidal MS-13 members have already poured over the Southern border and are at this very moment stabbing you repeatedly in the torso and stomach with a butcher’s knife,” said the ad, which urged voters to use the remainder of their strength to crawl to their nearest polling location before they bled out. “Several arteries have already been punctured, but before these monsters end your suffering they’re dragging your loved ones into the basement to flay them alive in front of you. You’re presently struggling against your restraints, but there’s nothing you can do. Soon you will begin to black out from despair and pain. The last thing you see in your final moments is Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer standing over you, laughing maniacally.” At press time, numerous Trump supporters had praised the ad for finally telling the truth about how they themselves had been killed by immigrants.

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Nation Begs For Midterms To Be Pushed Back To Delay Start Of 2020 Presidential Campaigns

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Illustration for article titled Nation Begs For Midterms To Be Pushed Back To Delay Start Of 2020 Presidential Campaignsem/em

WASHINGTON—Saying they just wanted a short breather before having to dive right back into national politics, Americans begged Monday for the midterm elections to be pushed back to delay start of the 2020 presidential bids. “Please, the later you can schedule the general elections, the more time we’ll have until we turn on the TV and inevitably see that first candidate kick off their campaign for the White House,” said 325 million Americans, adding that even just putting a few more days of padding before the midterms would let them rest before having to endure two straight years of nonstop presidential campaigning. “Honestly, the idea of casting a ballot tomorrow and then immediately getting hit with 12 presidential hopefuls who will never even make it past primaries is way too much to handle. So, if someone could please just close down the polls until after the holidays, it would really be appreciated.” At press time, the nation added that it would even be fine to push midterms as far back as 2020 because they already knew the current sitting president was just going to get reelected anyways. 

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