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Biden Pledges To Select Woman As Vice President Since Position Doesn’t Entail Much Anyway

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Illustration for article titled Biden Pledges To Select Woman As Vice President Since Position Doesn’t Entail Much Anyway

WASHINGTON—In a bid to secure support for his nomination as the Democratic Party’s candidate for president, Joe Biden reportedly pledged Sunday to select a woman as vice president since the position doesn’t entail much anyway. “I promise that my vice president will be a woman, since pretty much anyone can do this job, so I figure, hey, might as well pick a lady,” said Biden, adding that he knew from experience in his eight years as U.S. vice president that the position was essentially ceremonial and required no real work, so he had no reservations about handing it to a woman. “You basically just sit on your can all day and maybe show up at a meeting every month or two, so if a woman wants to do that, be my guest. I could see myself selecting [Senator] Amy Klobuchar, [former Georgia State Rep.] Stacey Abrams, or any one of the tens of millions of women perfectly capable of pulling off this no-show gig. I don’t really care what her politics are, and anyway it hardly matters. This works out well, actually, since I can stick a lady in the VP spot and don’t have to put one in an important role on the cabinet.” At press time, Biden was being praised by members of the media and his own party for his commitment to symbolic representation in an office that most people forget about half the time.

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‘I Like This Candidate Now And Will Vote For Him,’ Says Area Man After Having To Watch 12th Bloomberg Ad In Single Day

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Illustration for article titled ‘I Like This Candidate Now And Will Vote For Him,’ Says Area Man After Having To Watch 12th Bloomberg Ad In Single Day

LEWISTON, ME—Announcing his newfound support for the former New York mayor, local Democratic voter Lucas Butterfield calmly stated, “I like this candidate now and will vote for him,” after seeing a Mike Bloomberg ad for the 12th time in a single day, sources confirmed Thursday. “The ninth ad didn’t really convince me, and I was on the fence for the 10th and 11th, but once I had seen my 12th commercial since waking up this morning, I suddenly realized Mike is the candidate for me,” said Butterfield, who explained that he had initially opposed the former Republican’s candidacy, but after the day’s encounter with a dozen print, TV, radio, billboard, and autoplaying digital ads, it now seemed obvious to him that Bloomberg was “the only man for the job.” “I like Mike. Mike is my candidate of choice. I will go to the polls and cast my ballot for Mike, and I will tell all my friends to vote for Mike too. I support Mike Bloomberg for president in 2020. Only Mike can get it done.” At press time, sources confirmed the man was speaking Bloomberg’s name over and over again with increasing urgency while he repeatedly walked into a wall.

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‘I’ll Show Those Pricks!’ Screams Mitt Romney Driving Busload Of Pregnant Women To Abortion Clinic After Being Disinvited To CPAC

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Illustration for article titled ‘I’ll Show Those Pricks!’ Screams Mitt Romney Driving Busload Of Pregnant Women To Abortion Clinic After Being Disinvited To CPAC

SALT LAKE CITY—Following the formal public announcement that he was no longer invited to the annual Conservative Public Action Conference, Senator Mitt Romney (R-UT) reportedly screamed, “I’ll show those pricks!” Thursday while driving a busload of pregnant women to an abortion clinic. “They called me liberal, I’ll show them liberal—did you hear that, ladies, we’re all getting abortions!” shouted Romney, who shifted the bus carrying 48 women into high gear before careening wildly into the clinic’s lot and parking the vehicle diagonally across multiple spaces. “Out, out, everybody out! Sheila, Jen, hush that crying. I don’t care what term you’re on, I’ve got a score to settle. Did you hear what those assholes did to me? Get whatever you want back there because everything’s on me!” At press time, Romney had driven the bus to a nearby obstretician’s office and was waving a fistful of cash in the waiting room, offering $5,000 to anyone who would get an abortion.

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Obama Kind Of Hurt No One’s Even Asked For His Endorsement

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WASHINGTON—Noting that he would happily lend his support to any candidate who just requested it, former President Barack Obama told reporters Friday he was kind of hurt no one in the 2020 Democratic field has even asked for his endorsement. “Look, I don’t want to toot my own horn here, but I’m a two-term president with significant pull among Democratic voters and I can’t help but feel a little bummed that no campaign has even raised the question of whether I’d consider endorsing them,” said the 44th commander in chief, stressing that he would happily express his full-throated approval for Amy Klobuchar, Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders or any of the race’s other candidates if they had even so much as broached the topic with him during recent in-person conversations, email chains, and phone calls. “Especially Joe. I mean, I worked with the guy for eight years, and he hasn’t even reached out to test the waters. I’m not trying to overstate my significance, but it’s not crazy to think my vouching for what he did as vice president could really change the way this race shakes out, right? I mean, what the hell? I feel like a forgotten man over here.” At press time, the former president had sighed and started drafting an enthusiastic endorsement of Tulsi Gabbard after receiving a request from one of the representative’s assistants.

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