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Biden Extends Olive Branch To Biden Supporters

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PHILADELPHIA—In a largely measured speech calling for party unity after a string of primary victories, former Vice President Joe Biden took to the stage Tuesday night to extend an olive branch to Biden supporters. “I appreciate the enthusiasm and energy of Joe Biden’s voters, and I want any of his supporters who feel lost or counted out to know that there is a place for them with my campaign,” said Biden, stressing that while he and the vice president did not see eye to eye on every issue, they both shared values that represented a bold new vision for the American people. “Of course, I might have occasionally clashed with Joe Biden in the more strained moments of recent debates, but we also worked together for many years in the Senate. At the end of the day, whether you’re a Biden supporter or a Biden supporter, we have the same goal, which is to get Trump out of the White House and replace him with Joe Biden.” At press time, pundits launched into fevered speculations that the candidate’s speech could contain hints Joe Biden was mulling the choice to appoint Joe Biden as vice president.

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Elena Kagan Worried She’s A Fraud After Being Only Female Justice Not Called Out By Trump

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Illustration for article titled Elena Kagan Worried She’s A Fraud After Being Only Female Justice Not Called Out By Trump

WASHINGTON—Expressing doubt over whether she deserved of all her accolades, Supreme Court Associate Justice Elena Kagan was reportedly worried Tuesday that she was a fraud after being the only female justice not called out by President Donald Trump for being biased against him. “Has my career meant nothing? I feel so invisible,” said Kagan, gazing at her reflection in a mirror and questioning what it was her fellow female justices have that she herself lacks. “I mean, I was solicitor general as well as dean of Harvard Law School and I thought that was impressive, but does that even really mean anything if the president isn’t calling on me to recuse myself from cases involving him? This man should hate me, yet he hasn’t said a word about me voting against his wealth test for immigrants, or any of my other rulings. Am I just a big phony?” At press time, Kagan was trying to comfort herself by considering that a mistaken Trump might think she was actually a Bush appointee.

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Klobuchar Hoping To Distinguish Herself During Debate As Only Candidate Not Sucker Punched In Gut Moments Before Stepping On Stage

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Illustration for article titled Klobuchar Hoping To Distinguish Herself During Debate As Only Candidate Not Sucker Punched In Gut Moments Before Stepping On Stage

CHARLESTON, SC—Stressing that the contrast between herself and her rivals could not be starker, presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar told viewers at Tuesday night’s Democratic debate that she remained the only candidate who had not been sucker punched in the gut moments before stepping on stage. “Tonight, I’m asking voters to really think about the distinct choice they’re being offered between a heartland Democrat with a record of serious accomplishments and six other candidates who have spent this entire debate doubled over and collapsing in front of their podiums or wheezing for air,” said the Minnesota senator, pointing to her distinguished record of not getting absolutely clocked in the moments before a national television appearance before gesturing across the stage at a whimpering Bernie Sanders clutching his stomach as he rolled around in agony. “Ask yourself, if Elizabeth Warren wasn’t prepared to get slugged right in the breadbasket as she stepped into the spotlight, then do you really think she’ll be ready for the presidency? Now you’ve seen what my fists are capable of this evening, and if you’re ready for a different type of candidate—one who isn’t whimpering and begging for mercy—then I promise you a place with me.” At press time, Klobuchar had torn into Michael Bloomberg’s supposedly tough-on-crime record as the dry heaving former New York City mayor began to retch onto the debate floor.

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Moderators Kick Off Debate By Asking Whether Bloomberg Ready To Get Shit Rocked Again

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Illustration for article titled Moderators Kick Off Debate By Asking Whether Bloomberg Ready To Get Shit Rocked Again

CHARLESTON, SC—As the televised event featuring the leading contenders for the Democratic Party presidential nomination got underway Tuesday evening, CBS moderators kicked off the debate by asking whether Michael Bloomberg was ready to get his shit rocked again. “Our first question is for Mayor Bloomberg: How will you respond to another two hours of the other nominees just completely wrecking your shit?” said CBS This Morning co-host Gayle King, citing the fact that the billionaire former New York City mayor had spent the debate six days earlier “getting absolutely bodied” and wondered whether he had a plan to prevent “a complete and total roasting” from happening again. “Mr. Bloomberg, do you believe that you prepared this time, and is it going to be enough? Because from where we’re sitting, you got ripped a new one last debate, and now you’re about to be hit from every side. Honestly, after seeing how easy it was last time, we wouldn’t be surprised if the other candidates are even better prepared to tear you apart. Tonight, the whole country is watching to see if you have any plan to avoid getting fucking hammered again. You ready?” Sources confirmed that fellow CBS moderator Norah O’Donnell then interjected and told Bloomberg that they would give him 30 seconds to run off the stage if he still wanted to save himself before it started.

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