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Biden Defends Past Inappropriate Touching Of Women As Symptom Of Stuttering Hands

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Illustration for article titled Biden Defends Past Inappropriate Touching Of Women As Symptom Of Stuttering Hands

DETROIT—Opening up about the lifelong struggle that has been a source of embarrassment and frustration, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden defended Thursday his record of inappropriately touching women as a symptom of his lifelong struggle with stuttering hands. “Since my childhood, I’ve been burdened with this debilitating problem—anytime I wrap my hands around a woman’s waist or give them a shoulder rub, it’s because of a nervous medical tick,” said Biden, choking up while recounting how much his uncontrollable caressing of women’s backs and touching of their faces have hurt him over the years. “I was often too ashamed in the past to speak about it, but I know there’s some teenager out there grabbing a classmate’s ass who needs to know they are not alone. I’ve dealt with the misfortune of seeing my hands reach out and pull a woman uncomfortably close to me and the embarrassment of them mocking me and saying ‘Stop doing that.’ I’ve worked to get it under control, and I want my supporters to be confident that I will only occasionally be touching women over the course of the presidential campaign.” At press time, Biden was attributing his support of the Iraq war and opposition to school busing as the result of a challenging brain stutter.

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‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack

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Illustration for article titled ‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Informing the judge that he had definitive proof of voter fraud against Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani reportedly announced Thursday in court “Your honor, I’m ready to present” as he pulled a rotted melon and a stray cat out of an old burlap sack. “Give me a second and I’ll show you hard evidence that there are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of mail-ballot irregularities, it’s somewhere in here under all these pizzas and teeth,” said the president’s lawyer, rummaging through a large, stained canvas bag, discarding multiple grease-coated catalogs, dozens of half-eaten chicken tenders, and a mason jar containing a murky brown liquid, then holding up what he believed to be damning reports that turned out to be a soaking-wet tarp. “Hang on, your honor. As you’ll soon see, there are all kinds of testimonies and other documents proving definitively that officials knowingly engaged in—no, not this, how did this bath towel get in here? Whose bath towel is this? Objection! Now listen, judge your honor, it’s as clear as the evidence that I’ve written on the back of these cheeseburger wrappers, which if the ketchup writing wasn’t so smeared would clearly evidence fraud to the jury. No matter, though, because I’m smart and I made careful backup ketchup copies of the fraud on some gloves, which are legally admissible in court, as soon as I find them. Just a moment. Now where are my potato peels? Sirs of the jury, I submit here for legal questioning and subsequent arrest and execution whichever culprit took my potato peels. I have probable cause! Those are top-secret pieces of information that have client-attorney permission. Do not look at the potato peels! If the potato peels have been stolen, well that’s witness tampering right there, which means that Trump’s case is automatically won on the grounds of appellate dismissal. That’s all very legal. But first I submit these hockey pucks, and if you ignore the bite marks, it’s unmistakable that they—wait, excuse me, these are the wrong hockey pucks. Objection! The election is a fraud and I have the plastic bags of wet leaves to prove it!” At press time, Giuliani had confidently stated “No further questions, I rest my case” and sat chewing the melon rinds, spitting the seeds onto the prosecution’s table.

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Supreme Court Strikes Down Obama’s Personal Health Insurance Policy

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Illustration for article titled Supreme Court Strikes Down Obama’s Personal Health Insurance Policy

WASHINGTON—In a 5-4 decision that shocked legal experts across the nation, the Supreme Court made waves Thursday when it struck down former president Barack Obama’s personal health insurance policy. “The court holds that Barack Obama’s use of an HMO to provide health coverage for himself, his wife Michelle, and his daughters Sasha and Malia, is in blatant violation of the Ninth Amendment,” said Chief Justice Roberts, who added that existing coverage for all other Americans would remain unaffected except for the former president and the first family. “Henceforth, all African American men who were the 44th president of the United States will be stripped of coverage, including medical, prescription, and dental. Congress has no authority to reinstate these plans, or allow Barack Obama to purchase health insurance through a PPO, EPO, POS, or other means.” At press time, dissenting Justice Sotomayor protested, adding that such a precedent could open the doors to allowing the Supreme Court to strip 39th U.S. president Jimmy Carter of his personal health insurance.

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Pence Creates Exploratory Committee To Find More Charismatic Candidate To Attach Self To In 2024

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Illustration for article titled Pence Creates Exploratory Committee To Find More Charismatic Candidate To Attach Self To In 2024

WASHINGTON—Confirming the vice president was already “testing the waters,” Beltway insiders reported Friday that Mike Pence had created an exploratory committee to find another candidate more charismatic than himself whom he could serve as running mate in 2024. “Mike Pence hopes to win office in four years by joining the ticket of someone who actually displays a discernible personality of some kind,” said exploratory committee co-chair James Conroy, adding that he had begun surveying potential candidates who possessed any degree of personal magnetism—any at all—and thus might propel Pence back to the vice presidency. “Right now, we’re poring over the data to ensure the vice president makes a good decision about whose coattails he should ride going forward. As in 2016, there won’t be any litmus test based on ideology or character, so long as Mr. Pence is able to hold a prestigious position while doing little more than remaining silent and nodding from time to time. He doesn’t even care if it’s a Republican or a Democrat. He might have some trouble if it were a woman, but at the end of the day, he’s a seasoned VP ready to be unswervingly loyal to anyone who can win the White House.” At press time, Conroy stated that within 24 hours of its formation, the exploratory committee had successfully identified over 320 million Americans with more charisma than Mike Pence.

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