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‘And Then Those 12 People Send It To 12 People—That’s 144 People!” Says Cory Booker Describing Campaign Newsletter Strategy To Rosario Dawson

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NEWARK—Referring to the “surefire” system as a sort of pyramid of communication, Democratic presidential candidate Cory Booker excitedly walked long-term girlfriend and actress Rosario Dawson through his new network-based strategy to distribute campaign newsletters, sources confirmed Monday. “And then when those people share it, the 144 turns into over 20,000 people reading, and by the end of the month? That’s the whole country!” said a wild-eyed, energized Booker as he paced in front of Dawson, who told the New Jersey senator through a tight smile that it sounded like a great idea. “Ever since we had to cut staff in New Hampshire, my brain’s just been working overtime. I can’t believe how easy it is! The trick is to get a teacher or something to email it to parents of the kids, then you’re really cooking. It’d be great if a certain actress, who must know 12 people, could endorse me.” At press time, Booker was seen trying to convince Dawson to let him use her garage for an envelope-stuffing party later that week.

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Self-Loathing GOP Congressman Can’t Believe He’s Been Reduced To Defending Necessity Of Public Schools

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Illustration for article titled Self-Loathing GOP Congressman Can’t Believe He’s Been Reduced To Defending Necessity Of Public Schools

WASHINGTON—As the nation falls deeper into the grip of a pandemic that has forced compromises upon his most cherished principles, a self-loathing Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN) acknowledged Friday he could not believe he had been reduced to defending the necessity of public schools in a civil society. “I hear these words coming out of my mouth, these requests for more federal dollars so public schools can reopen, and I wonder, ‘My God, what have I become?’” said Alexander, who wondered aloud whether he might still be able to console himself by diverting money from lunch programs and using it to build more charter schools. “I can barely recognize myself anymore, this man who goes on television and talks about how a return to normalcy in American life depends upon increasing funds to public schools and ensuring they have everything they need to succeed. Ugh, how has it come to this? Has the half century I’ve spent in politics been a complete waste?” At press time, Alexander had reportedly cheered himself up by thinking about all the public school teachers and staff whose health would be threatened by reopening too soon.

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Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary

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Illustration for article titled Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary

WASHINGTON—Following the progressive challenger’s victory over 16-term incumbent Rep. Eliot Engel (D-NY), House Speaker Nancy Pelosi phoned Jamaal Bowman to scold him for winning his primary race, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I just wanted to call and personally reprimand you for your victory,” said Pelosi, extending her sincerest indignation to the former Bronx middle school educator, who is expected to easily win the general election in his heavily Democratic congressional district. “I understand there are some mail-in ballots that still need to be counted, but it appears you won big last night and energized a lot of first-time voters and young people we absolutely did not want voting in this primary. So allow me to extend my sincerest fuck-you for everything you’ve done. Obviously, we’re going to be working together soon, so I look forward to crushing you the first chance I get.” Pelosi added that when things became official in November, she would call again to express how frustrated she was to welcome Bowman to Congress.

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Trump Claims Responsibility For Longest Black History Month In 4 Years

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Trump Claims Responsibility For Longest Black History Month In 4 Years

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